Journey Back To Joy

And Joining Me

2007-12-05T18:37:00.001-05:00

...is the snow. Looks like I'm not the only one who's back. Ugh.

Winter has officially arrived in the District. It has been coming down continuously all day. Hasn't accumulated all THAT much, but enough to make its point. Aight...we got it already!!! Clearly I'm not ready for the snow just yet.

Although with Netflix and a shelf full of books, I guess I have enough to keep me entertained on the cold, snowy nights that are ahead. Just sit back with mug full of hot chocolate, my fuzzy slippers and not a care in the world. Hmmmm...maybe I AM ready for the snow...that sounds good, doesn't it? However, it's also nights like this that leave you longing for a warm body to snuggle up to...

*Sigh* Moving right along...

I've decided to take Monday off to accomplish all of the many things on my To Do list - writing/sending holiday greetings, Christmas shopping, cleaning/laundry/grocery shopping and preparing for my week long stay in NY. And...if I'm honest...to get a much needed break from my boss. She's off on Friday...so I'll have 4 days of not having to deal with her (pray for me y'all). Needless to say, I'm workin' for the weekend!

Since my entry back into Blogland, I've been trying to make my way through my blogroll to check in on you guys...found out that I'm not the only one who has been MIA. Hopefully those who joined me in the fall into oblivion will, too, find their way back. Thanks to all of you who are back on the Journey...I forgot how much I looked forward to your comments.

Smooches!

Somethin' For the Ladies

2007-12-03T19:36:00.000-05:00

...and there might be something here for you Fellas to take away as well. I'm all about equal opportunity :)

During my time blogging, I've rarely posted memes or lists...very little of what wasn't my own thoughts or feelings. However recently, while searching for an old friend's address, I came across an email that I've had for almost 10 years now. It's two lists, targeted towards women, but there are definitely a few things on the lists that aren't necessarily gender specific.

For those of you who may have received these lists before - hopefully they will be something you'll enjoy reading again. For those of you who have not - hopefully they will prove to be lists that you, too, will want to hold onto.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you're actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of yur calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or money.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month or a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

Amazingly enlightening, huh? Makes you think - do inventory - of your home, your life, your finances, your heart, your soul.

I'm totally feeling #15 of the second list. I honestly believe that I didn't really start living - didn't really get to know me and conduct an honest soul search - until 30. It was at the very beginning of my 30th year that I felt my life was falling apart - and at the every end of my 30th year that I felt it coming back together. An ending making way for a new beginning - a rebirth. I certainly have some very fond memories of life before 30 (my four years at Howard U. were the four of the greatest years of my life) - but I still feel like the BEST is yet to come!

So continue to live lovely lives Ladies - and whether they/it appears on the lists above or not...strive to HAVE the desires of your heart and to KNOW more today than you did yesterday.

GIRL POWER!

Guess Who's Back...

2007-12-02T10:49:00.000-05:00

I AM!!!

I Am...and I cannot begin to tell you all how much you have been missed.
I Am...not sure how I'm going to bring you up to speed on what has, or has not, been happening in my life. Might just happen gradually over a series of posts.
I Am...DIVORCED as of September 17. Thank you Jesus!
I Am...still rockin' my natural 'do. It's getting so long and I haven't experimented with it that much. Still just wash and wear but I have a couple things in mind that I'd like to try.
I Am...in awe at what a difference a year makes. I just celebrated my one year anniversary at my gig. God is so good and I am so blessed.
I Am...a dancing machine y'all. Early this summer I started taking Hand Dancing lessons (a swing dance that originated in Washington, DC - similar to Chicago Steppin', West Coast Swing, what would be Boppin' in Philly, and I believe Shag in the Carolina's). I am so in love with this dance. I'm currently being groomed to be a student instructor - watch out now! This is not the last that you will hear about this...believe me. If you live in the DC area and are interested in learning, let me know.
I Am...headed to NYC for the Christmas holiday. If you remember, my company is closed the week between Christmas and New Year, so I'll be spending the majority of that time with my family in White Plains and my friends in the city. Can't wait!
I Am...realizing that it doesn't pay to dip into the recycling bin when it comes to dating - you are no longer with that person for a reason. However...there is this one that I'm convinced might be a possibility, although he kinda intimidates me...so I'm not sure how that would work out exactly.
I Am...thinking about learning to play the bass guitar. Whenever I hear a live band, I'm automatically drawn in by the bassist. I've been thinking about this for over three years now, so I'm not too convinced yet that I'll actually do it.
I Am...so needing a vacation. I didn't take one this entire year, so I'm well overdue. Some place tropical and some time soon.
I Am...reading on a regular basis again. Something about the cold weather that makes me want to stay in the bed all day and read my little heart out. My fingers, most recently, were turning the pages of Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and now I'm reading What is the What by Dave Eggers.
I Am...addicted to NetFlix. I'm late, I know...but for anyone who is a lover of movies and is not a member, I highly recommend it. So far, I've seen The Illusionist, I Think I Love my Wife, Little Miss Sunshine and Blood Diamond. I have Nine Lives now, but I haven't watched it yet. Any suggestions? I tend to like "off the beaten path/indie" flicks, so if you know of any good ones please feel free to share.
I Am...feeling really good about where I am in my Journey. Could I have a bigger place, sure. More money, definitely. A significant other, sure. But I don't, and that's fine with me :)
I Am...praying for so many, but especially for a friend that recently was sent to Baghdad on a non-military work assignment. Blessings, my friend...many, many blessings!
I Am...not going to be able to truly catch up on the goings on in the lives of the many members of my blog family, but I will try my best and hope that you are all doing well (special shout out to Creole, Harpo, Tracey K and Nikki - thanks for checkin' in on me...love ya for it).
I Am...entering the new year with a wide open mind, a stronger spirit, a joyful heart and a deeper peace within so I'm anxious to see what 2008 will bring.
I Am...sure that I am skipping over some stuff, but if I don't end this now I'm going to be late for dance class.

I Am...BACK!!!

I'm Going Back to Cali...Cali...Cali...

2007-05-01T18:14:00.000-04:00

Ladies most DEFINITELY Love Cool James! Wow...what a blast from the past.

Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with LL's late 80's hit though...sorry.

Part of the new responsiblities that came with my promotion is that I would be taking over some of our smaller meetings throughout the year - while our Senior Director of Meetings would focus on the larger meetings. I found out today that I'm being thrown into the fire and will be managing my first solo meeting this month...and it's in Newport Beach, CA (Orange County) - which is only a hop, skip and a jump from LA!

This isn't only exciting because of the opportunity that it presents for me to prove myself, but also because I can extend my stay and take a mini vacation on my company's dime (well...the airfare atleast...but that's all I need with all the friends that I have in LA). I immediately called my dearest friend in LA (her family graciously and lovingly "adopted" me while I was living in LA so she is like a sister to me) to tell her the good news. She'll be in town (and will host me during my stay) that weekend and I CANNOT wait to see her! I plan on coming home SUPER exhausted with all that I have running through my mind to pack into that weekend. Although what will probably end up happening is that her aunt will cook (throw down, rather), we'll drink wine, reminisce on old times and laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh...cause that's what we do!

With all of the misery that I endured while I lived there, it is amazing that I can be THIS excited to go back...and I'm glad that I am! Thank you Journey...THANK YOU!

"Her bikini - small; heels - tall, she said she liked the ocean..."

Education or Exploitation

2007-04-30T18:48:00.001-04:00

NOTE: The images contained in the link below are extremely graphic (not sexual). Please use discretion when viewing.

Yesterday a co-worker and I went here.

I heard about this traveling exhibition a while back and was anxiously awaiting its arrival to the DC Metro area. For weeks I've been seeing it advertised in the Washington City Paper and had it on my list of things to do. When I learned that my co-worker was also dying to go (no pun intended)...we set a date.

Having always had an interest in pathology (and having watched autopies - on television - and seen various forms of cadavers - courtesy of my friend who snuck me into her biology lab), I had very little reservation about what it was that I was going to experience.

Now, in retrospect, I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing.

For the sake of those of you who might be planning to visit, as well as those of you with weak stomachs, I will spare you the details. I will say, however, that some of the presentation choices left me wondering: what is this about...really? In addition, the fact that the "bare bones" ticket (am I on a roll or what?) - meaning purchased onsite without audio - was $27.00 left me to question the validity of the "educational" opportunity that this exhibition states it affords. Now...I do realize that I could be biased...living in a city where the majority of the educational/cultural institutions (ie. the Smithsonian) and events are F-R-E-E. But, if your primary intent is to educate, can it not be done at a more nominal cost? And if not, could funds have been allocated or underwritten so as to NOT charge an additional fee for audio that allows you to better understand what was being viewed?

What I didn't know - until I got there and my co-worker explained - was there has been quite a bit of scuttlebutt surrounding this exhibit. First, all of the bodies on display are people that were from China. Second, we are told that they are "unclaimed" bodies or bodies of consenting donors - however, no paper trail (that I know of) has been presented to support these claims. Makes you wonder why China and why no documentation?

Things that make you go hmmmmm...

On one hand I can say, unequivocally, that I did learn quite a bit from this exhibit. On the other hand I wonder to what/whom did I just give my financial support? And does the issue of morality and respect for the dead come into play? My views and thoughts are somewhat mixed.

At the end of the day, it got me to think. It answered some life long questions and sparked conversation between complete strangers over artistically lit human livers, lungs and hearts. But was it worth having to ponder the educational factor versus the sensational factor? I don't know that I have a definitive answer...I guess you'd have to be the judge of that for yourself.

So should it come to a city near you and you decide to visit (or have already) - I'd be curious to know your thoughts...

A Month In Review

2007-04-22T19:59:00.000-04:00

I realized today that I've only posted twice this month. For that reason, I thought I would do a run down of what has been going on in my life. Partly to bring you all up to speed (for those of you who are actually interested) and partly to figure out why in the heck I've only posted twice this month. I said I wasn't going to fall back into oblivion again, so it's time to do a bit of inventory.

Here goes my "Pieces of April" - have you seen that movie? Pretty good indy flick.

I digress...

Things are back on track at work and that, friends, is a beautiful thing. As you may remember I experienced a little hiccup, but I didn't let it defeat me. I'm back on track and feeling a lot more confident, I might add. Although I don't live/die by them, I do read my horoscope for fun from time to time. A magazine, that will remain nameless due to shame, arrived in the mail this weekend and part of it read: "Your career is moving forward." I truly believe that...not because of the promotion/raise, but because I truly feel that I am now working in an industry that totally suits my personality and professional strengths. I'm excited to see where it will take me!

Words cannot adequately describe just how much I DETEST my cable/internet company. Last Friday I came home from work to find that my cable/internet service had been interrupted. I called customer service - or what they call customer service - to report my problem. I knew it wasn't an issue with my bill, cause it was paid on time and in full. They checked it anyway and found the aforementioned to be true. They checked for an area/system wide outage. No such luck. They finally determined that it was an "isolated incident" that was going to require a tech visit. The first available time slot? Wednesday evening. *dead* You know I was hot, right? So hot that I decided to write a letter. I was on the fence with whether or not I was going to mail it. The visit from the tech, who informed me that when another tech was dispatched on Friday to disconnect service for one of my neighbors they ended up disconnecting my service instead, sealed the envelope! So I went five days without television or internet. Ummmm, yeah...not cute!

I last reported that I was reading a book called "Small Island" by Andrea Levy. It's been a difficult read to stick with, so I decided to put it down for a while. Instead, I picked up the book on deck - "A Hungry Heart" - which is Gordon Parks' last memoir. WOW! All I can say is that I love him even more...found out he was a bit of a playa...but even that can't take away from his brillance! Just an awesome piece of literary work that I highly recommend.

Much to my dismay, my favorite bartender in the world is leaving the restaurant/bar that had become "the spot" for me and a couple of my really good girlfriends. We have been spending one day out of the last couple weekends toasting him and taking final advantage of what has been a very longstanding "hook up." And although the Greek tapas are to die for, the place just won't be the same without him. Alas we must bid our beloved spot "adio." Here's to all of the good times...Opa!

I am in the early stages of "shopaholicism." Even though I am a bargin shopper, I've got to nip this "disease" in the bud. The rising of the weekend sun finds me twitching...eager for my next fix. It's time for an intervention...after I find those shoes, that bag, my couch and some other key items for my place...but soon...I promise.

Spring, seemingly, has sprung and pheromones are being released at an all time high. I was approached by a gentleman on Friday afternoon and I must say he really peaked my interest (which hasn't been peaked in quite some time). The manner in which he approached me was most flattering, however follow through is key. Then, while having an early dinner - solo - during one of my shopping binges, my presence was requested at the bar. I had just watched "Something New" that morning so I was all about "let go and let flow." I entertained the invitation. It led to 1 1/2 hours of a very pleasant conversation with an extremely interesting YOUNG fellow. And when I say young, I mean 25 years young! Ah well...practice makes perfect.

My heart has been heavy since the tragedy at Virginia Tech. What more is there to say? I pray for peace and strength for everyone, but most importantly for those who were directly affected.

I'm not really a doctor/medicine type person, but I know that there comes a time when we all need to make a visit. In the past month I have had two doctor's appointments and I'm happy to report that all is well. Two down, two more to go - a general physical and the dentist. *Sigh* I loathe the dentist!

That's about it...aside from being reunited with a long lost college friend and sending a drunk text (ya know, like "drunk dial") to my highschool sweetheart - I'm so embarrassed that I still haven't been able to bring myself to call him to explain/apologize.

So, I'm relatively satisfied with my reasons for being MIA. The five days without internet, alone, was cause enough...damn them!

Speaking of which, I have to mail that letter...

Just Plain Ol' Tired

2007-04-06T19:39:00.000-04:00

It's official...I need a vacation. Although part of me thinks I don't deserve one since I was semi-unemployed for 13 months...but that just might be all the more reason to take one.

Today our office closed at 1pm to give us a jump start on the holiday weekend. Nice, right? I guess...if your NOT me. Why was I the last one in the office and didn't leave until 6:30pm? So not cool. AND...to top it all off...an issue from my work week from hell (see two posts ago) resurfaced which made matters that much worse. I'm hoping that I defused it enough that it's not going to be a huge issue on Monday.

"Somebody saaaaaaave me...I don't care how you do it, just saaaaaaaave me!"

I know this is a test of some sort...it just has to be. I just wish is wasn't a "pop quiz" and I sure as hell hope I pass!

Today is GOOD Friday, right? *humph*

It would be nice if I had something fun planned for the weekend...maybe cocktails with the girls or a day of shopping and a movie...but nope, I'll be organizing and cleaning ALL weekend because this is the very first weekend (since I've moved) that I have absolutely nothing that HAS to be done and nowhere I HAVE to be. And as the huge pile of clothes, magazines, books, etc. isn't going to magically remove itself from my floor - it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to do it. That's the one bad thing about living by yourself...things can take a bit longer to return back to their rightful place.

"Cinderelly, Cinderelly, night and day it's Cinderelly..."

Moving Right Along

2007-04-03T19:27:00.000-04:00

Week From Hell (exit stage left).

And...scene!

I'm so over last week's drama that I won't even dignify it with a play-by-play. I'll just say that I initiated a "make nice" with my manager late last week. Now all is well and back to normal...."can't knock the hustle" (have I ever told you how much "I heart" Jay-Z???)

So today my thoughts are all over the place. No real rhyme or reason...just thoughts.

Share? I thought you'd never ask...

~John Legend and Corinne Bailey Rae are going to be in concert at the end of this month. The show is in Columbia, MD. It's times like these (which don't happen very often I'm happy to report) that I miss having my car. On the flip side, however, John Mayer will be in concert at the Verizon Center (conveniently accessible by Metro) at the end of July. In addition to that, Eric Roberson will be appearing once again at the 9:30 club (also Metro accessible). My girl
Butta introduced me to Eric Roberson. If you too would like an introduction, read this post. The brotha's got talent! Thanks for the intro Butta...think I might have to put that concert on my To Do list.

~ Why is it that when you don't need/want something, that "thing" is everywhere you turn? But when you need/want it? Nowhere to be found! I'm trying to find a loveseat for the spot...something basic...not too bulky, yet comfortable - and preferably in the brown family...chocolate brown to be exact, but I'm flexible. There was a time when I saw them EVERYWHERE, now...not so much. If you happen to come across a cute one, send the info my way!

~ My highschool sweetheart is soooooooo my soul mate. Maybe not my life mate...but most DEFINITELY my soul mate. He gets me...and I like that. He loved me the most...and I love him for that. Maybe next lifetime...

~ The past couple days of the most beautiful spring weather has been an absolute tease! It'll be sweater weather for the balance of the week. For real, I'm no longer amused...lol (but not really).

~ I'm currently reading "Small Island" by Andrea Levy with "A Hungry Heart" by Gordon Parks on deck. Fictionally speaking, though, my most favorite book of all time is "Seasons of Beento Blackbird" by Akosua Busia. A must read!

~ Within the last decade, companies and corporations have been hitting the nail on the head with the song choices for their commercials. I just saw the Diet Coke commercial that uses the song "What'll I Do." Love it!

~ And speaking of music and song, does Melinda Doolittle have you in awe each week like she does me? Just amazing! Hey Shelley...do you guys get American Idol in Italy? Just another random thought that popped into my head. Wait...American Idol...Italy...American Idol...Italy - was that a dumb question?

~ I miss my Mom...she needs to come visit pronto! Her birthday is very soon. I'm so blessed that God continues to share her with me! She is my everything.

~ I just paid $35.00 for a prescription...and that was AFTER insurance. God bless the uninsured...seriously...something is really, really wrong.

~ Someone on my floor is cooking with curry...smells delicious...I haven't eaten dinner yet. Clearly I should go do that cause I'm contemplating knocking on a stranger's door and asking for a plate!

Guess it's 'bout time for an intermission...

Peaks and Valleys

2007-03-28T18:08:00.000-04:00

Just when everything seems to be going my way...BAM...I'm hit with the reality of "the valley."

When last I posted, I was riding a high. I'm trying not to lose sight of the positivity that has been circling 'round about me, but when I slide into a valley, it's kinda hard to remember the good times.

The day after my promotion was announced I received a call from my Mom. It was one of "those" calls...the calls that make your phone ring a little bit different than usual. She told me that one of my childhood friends had lost his battle with sickle cell. I couldn't even cry...I was...tired. Tired of death...and of sadness. I eventually shared this news with a co-worker of mine and apparently I have experienced more death than the every day Joe - she has only been to one funeral in her 35 years of life (this is something that I hear from quite a few people when death happens to be the topic of discussion) and she has four years on me! Me? I've lost count. And when I say I've lost count, I don't mean of the funerals for "this woman/man I used to know once." No, I'm talking very close relatives and friends...from my father to my first boyfriend...from AIDS to murder. And no matter how much death I have encountered...it doesn't get any easier. REST IN PEACE TYE...your kind and faithful spirit will be missed!

Soon after that I made a mistake at work. One which, when looking at the big picture, shouldn't make you or break you. Clearly my boss thinks otherwise, having subjected me to the silent treatment for the past three days and counting. How unbelievably immature and unprofessional is that? I heard through the office grapevine that she had this "way" about her, but I never thought I would see it...atleast not this soon after I started and so soon after my promotion. The fact of the matter is that the mistake wasn't even all my fault - I truly believe that because of my having "risen to the challenge" of conquering a HUGE undertaking when I first started, people have forgotten that I haven't even been employed with my organization for 6 months yet! They have forgotten that I have never done most of the tasks to which I have been assigned...they have taken for granted my being able to pick most things up rather quickly, and haven't realized that no one really takes the time to sit down and thoroughly explain any project or effectively communicate deadlines. Everything needs to be done yesterday, so I'm left to fend for myself. And usually I'm able to do so with no problem or incident - but not always because, let's face it, I'm human! But the one thing that they can never say I don't do is acknowledge, apologize, accept and address. Acknowledge my mistake. Apologize for any problems that I caused. Accept responsibility. Address the problem and fix it. Obviously that just isn't enough. And what makes matters worse is that my boss is often times the culprit of many a mistake...but she'll be the first one to throw you under the bus for fear of someone thinking that she is incompetent.

I'm trying to seperate the professional from the personal, however. Personally, she is a great person - she sent me flowers after our annual convention...she sent me an assortment of Neuske's meat after we had a discussion about my never having tasted or heard of it...and had nothing but wonderful things to say about me and my work ethic when she announced my promotion. Professionally speaking, though, it's a totally different ball game!

This is a prime example of "your only as good as your last mistake." And what frustrates me most of all is that I cannot afford (literally and figuratively) to have anyone second guessing me...I need this job (I highly doubt that it's on the line)...and I need for it to be as stress free as possible (I heard that snicker!)

THEN...to top it all off the iPod Nano, that I have been anxiously awaiting, finally arrived yesterday night and I discovered that I ordered a refurbished Nano...not a new one. AND...now my computer is acting crazy and won't allow me to download iTunes (I think some application was mysteriously uninstalled or I have a virus of some sort). I had been considering doing away with my desktop and getting a laptop - but I really don't want to incur that expense right now. Looks like my iPod will be going back to iLand. I have no patience for technology...I need things to easy when it comes to that department.

Through it all, I'm bobbin' and weavin', but I honestly don't know how many more blows I can take. Seems as though I was getting a little bit too comfortable with the peace and positivity. I guess every once in a while reality has to bite!

Moscato please...and make it a double!

It Keeps Getting Better

2007-03-21T19:10:00.000-04:00

I'm convinced that there is no better combination than prayer, faith and diligence. Today, after only 3 1/2 months of employment, I received a promotion and a raise!!!!

Do I even need to tell you just how thrilled I am? Not only because of the promotion and raise, but also because I am fortunate enough to work for an organization that recognizes - and rewards - hard work and dedication. My boss shared that when they interviewed me they were quite aware that I was "overqualified" for the position, but they also knew the plans for my department as it related to expansion and growth opportunity. There was no doubt in their minds that - once the kinks were worked out - I would benefit from the changes that were in store. To have someone categorize the work that I have done as "phenomenal" is truly an honor...especially when I have made a career change and am sailing in uncharted waters, so to speak.

What an awesomely amazing ride this is (not "has been" because there is so much more to come)! Just a month and a couple days shy of a year ago today, I posted this.

What a difference a year makes...

I am empowered by the new responsiblities that have been bestowed to me, and I am convinced that I am going to be nothing short of great...based on the trust I have in my Higher Power, my belief in myself and the support of the organization with which I work.

I could not be more pleased with my patience to see through my desire to explore a new career/professional path. In my choice, I am discovering new interests, new abilities and - in many ways - a new me!

"I'm walking on sunshine...and don't it feel good."

Delis, Devils and...Darbs!

2007-03-20T20:04:00.000-04:00

For those of you who may not know, I am a Jersey Girl through and through - born, raised and very proud of it!

As long as I can remember, Jersey has been the butt of many a joke...but I will forever stand by the fact that New Jersey has got to be one of the best states in which to grow up. No matter where I have been, where I am, or where I may go...The Garden State will ALWAYS be home!

Today's post may prove to be a form of confirmation for some of you "Jersey haters" out there, but for me - it's full of fond memories. So...it is with much of that Jersey pride that I bring you:

"You Know You're From New Jersey If..."

1. You don't think of fruit when people mention 'The Oranges'.

2. You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

3. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

4. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

5. You don't understand why there aren't 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

6. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

7. At least three people in your family still love Jon Bon Jovi and you've been to the town Bruce is from.

8. You know what a jughandle is.

9. You know how to properly negotiate a circle.

10. You knew that the last two sentences had to do with driving.

11. You know that the state isn't all farmland.

12. You've never pumped your own gas.

13. You know that this is the only 'New...' state that doesn't require 'New' to identify it (like York , Hampshire, Mexico, etc).

14. You know that a 'White Castle' is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

15. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.

16. You don't think 'What exit' is very funny.

17. You know that people from the 609 area code are 'a little different'.

18. You know that no respectable New Jersey-ite goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters.

19. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

20. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

21. Every year you have at least three kids in your class named Tony.

22. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

23. You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

24. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.

25. You weren't raised in New Jersey - you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

26. You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and you like the Italian joint in your local strip mall better.

27. You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

28. You remember Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickels, Channel, Bamburgers and Orbachs.

29. You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

30. You've run out of money at a Parkway tollbooth.

31. You often use variations of the word 'f*ck' while driving.

32. You know that there are no 'beaches' in New Jersey - there's the shore and you don't go 'to the shore' you go 'down the Shore.' And when you are there, you're not 'at the shore' you are 'down the Shore.'

Wow...that REALLY took me waaaaay back!

If you have never been I - like my homestate slogan - "New Jersey, Come See For Yourself" - invite you to do just that.

Aqua Net,
Darbs

Worth a Thousand Words

2007-03-18T09:19:00.000-04:00

Having my picture taken has never been one of my favorite things. I'm not sure why exactly, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I end up hating most of the pictures that are taken of me...regardless of how many people think otherwise.

I'm dogsitting for my best friends this weekend (the ones I used to live with) and I was perusing, as I do time and time again, their "wall of memories." Early during my stay, my BF decided that she wanted to frame some of her treasured photos and display them along her staircase wall...photos of family and friends, traditions and travels. Loving a decorating project, I offered my assistance. And, I'm glad that I did because that ended up being one of my fondest and most memorable times during my stay with them.

A picture is truly worth a thousand words...and laughs...memories...and sometimes tears.

As I studied the photographs, specifically the two in which I appear, I made the decision that I need to start taking more pictures. Based on the opening of this entry, it's obviously not that I'm a narcissist. Rather, what brought about this decision was the emotion that the pictures evoked. Joy.

With life being as wonderful as it is for me right now - coupled with the fact that as I get older, life gets shorter - I think it would be such a shame if I didn't capture these special moments in my life. Because, today, I truly realized that it's not about how cute or not so cute your clothes are...it's not about how overweight or underweight you may be...it's not about whether you posed or it was candid - it's about the moment. Moments that cause you to stop...to want to remember THIS time. Or, for that matter,cause others to want to remember the time...realizing that although it may not be a special moment for you, it just might be for the person with whom it is being shared.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take, but by the moments that take our breath away" - that's what the plaque on my desk at work reads.

Be they because of love or laughter, serenity or surprise, awe or admiration...I want to capture the moments that take my breath away.

Now understandably, some discretion will be used...I'm not going to be all willy-nilly about it thanks to PhotoShop and the World Wide Web. However, I have made the decision to be more willing to seize life's moments and say.........CHEESE! (preferably Brie...or feta, thanks)

Where, Oh Where?

2007-03-16T21:28:00.000-04:00

Where in da hell is spring? Didn't that damn groundhog see his shadow not too long ago...or was it he didn't see it? Whichever it was - spring (or spring-like weather) was supposed to be just around the corner.

Clearly he must have been blind.

It's mid-March and a cold, snowy mess in the nation's Capitol...along with the rest of the Northeast Corridor.

Although it is rather nice to be comfy cozy in my cute, little apartment...it's time to bring on the cherry blossoms!

I love livin' in the "urea," but it's times like these that really make me miss LA.

*Sigh*

Hopefully Romantic

2007-03-13T19:05:00.000-04:00

I admit it...I am a bonafide, hopeFUL romantic...and I'm not one bit 'shamed. Through it all, I still believe...and it's songs like this that that make believing that much sweeter:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Shirley Bassey

What are you doing the rest of your life
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me

All the seasons and the times of your days
All the nickels and the dimes of your days
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me

I want to see your face in every kind of light
In fields of dawn and forests of the night
And when you stand before the candles on a cake
Oh, let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love you keep in your eyes
I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes
It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall of my life
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you

Now I'm not saying I'm ready for another relationship just yet (however, I'm not saying that I'm not either), but when I am - this is the kind of stuff that I want it to be made of.

Just thought I'd share the love...

Disclaimer: And no...this has absolutely nothing to do with the ridiculously gorgeous man that made it possible for me to post this message today...I'm hopeful, not foolish. The "joy" hasn't come back THAT strong yet...lol!

I'm Baaaaack!!!

2007-03-12T19:39:00.000-04:00

I am so doing the happy dance right now! I have finally made it back Blogland for good...and oh what a beautiful entry it has been...literally.

I should have been back up and running on Saturday...but due to the incompentency of a cable/phone/internet company that shall remain nameless...that wasn't able to happen. But as the saying goes: everything happens for a reason. I rushed home from work today because a technician was being dispatched, off hours, especially for me. I wasn't hopeful, though, and was preparing to have to "black out" on this unsuspecting tech. But...WHOA...was I wrong!

I was in the middle of reconnecting all the wires when there was a knock on the door. I got up, attitude on standby, and opened the door. Can you say speechless? For a minute, I couldn't remember what he had come for, but whatever it was, I was glad he did! Because standing before me was one of the most beautiful specimen of life that I have seen in a VERY long time. LAWD HAVE MERCY!

Long story short...I got the internet...with a side of digits! Whether or not our paths ever cross again, I certainly didn't suffer without internet in vain. It was just nice to have a beautiful man christen my new place with his presence! It has been a loooooooong minute y'all...a very looooooong minute!

*Sigh*

Moving right along...I cannot wait to get reconnected with my blog fam. I have missed you all so very much. I haven't checked y'all out yet, but I'm hoping that all of you are still around...still blogging...still living wonderful lives...still sharing...still along for the Journey!

The Journey...Thank. God. For. The. JOURNEY! The beginning was full of dark clouds, but lately? Nothing but blue skies! From the job, to the new spot, to getting my finances back on track...I could not be more thrilled!

Okay...I'm makin' this a short one because I'm itching to make my way back into your lives.

Back...
Darbs

Have You Seen Her?

2007-02-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

I'm certain that this is the song that plays when you come to my page...I'm certain of it.

Okay y'all...I gotta make this quick, cause I'm on the run - but I hate that I've been away from you for so long.

First, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (wow...it REALLY has been a minute).

Second, I'm in my own apartment!!! A very humble, studio apartment in DC, but an apartment of my own just the same (in a great neighborhood and in the city that I love...you just can't beat that). And you know what? I'm absolutely lovin' it! I would be remiss if I didn't give credit and many thanks to my best friend and her husband for "boarding" me for much longer than I'm sure they imagined. I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for them. THANKS D&D...you two are my angels!! Love y'all!

Work continues to be a blessing! I am thankful every day that I walk into my office. I must admit, though, that it has been BEYOND crazy...in the "busy" sense of crazy. BUT...our Annual Convention (which is the root of the craziness) is in a couple weeks, so the calm after the storm is just around the corner. I'll actually be leaving for Vegas next Sunday and will be there for 10 days - "yea" for being able to stay in a hotel (I love hotels), "boo" for having to go to Vegas (I hate Vegas). I mean, don't get me wrong, I love an "all expenses paid" business trip, but I would much rather be some place like.....let's say, Miami. Anywhere, truthfully, but Vegas.

The soon-to-be-ex is still dishin' out the drama...but I'm on such a high and in such a good place that it doesn't even matter any more. Keep prayin' for me though...cause the "ish" ain't over yet.

Um...what else...oh...I don't have internet access in the new digs yet, but when I do, I'll be back to my regular blog self. Acutally, my original blog self...not my triflin', could be/could be not blog self that has been posing as a blogger the last couple months. Thanks for stickin' with a sistah...'preciate it!

Before I go (I'm at the office - was working OT today...AGAIN), I want each and every one of you to know that you have been in my thoughts, my heart and my prayers. Although I know nothing of what you have been going through, I hope that it hasn't been in vain and has brought you nothing but joy!

I can't wait to catch up on all the haps with my blog fam, but for now...it's off to Union Station for books and bourbon chicken!

Still here...Darbs

Life

2006-12-14T19:43:00.000-05:00

...is good y'all. Life is really, really good.

Forgive me for my fall back into oblivion. Do I even need to share my excuse? Okay...I will...I got a J-O-B!!!! I just love saying that! Please don't take that as bragging, though - that's so not my style. I'm just sharing my blessings!

I'm coming into the end of my third week of work and I must say that I am really enjoying the new gig. Whether it's because I haven't worked in a minute (a very loooooong minute), or because I'm happy with my position/responsibilites...I'm not sure. And, quite frankly, I don't really care. The bottom line is that I am thrilled to be there and, from what I can tell, they are thrilled to have me. And I'm gonna ride this thrill until the wheels fall off!

So for those of you who left your well wishes and have inquired about how things are going...know that all is well. My commute is relatively simple (thanks in HUGE part to the graciousness of my best friend who gets up to drive me to the Metro every morning and is there to pick me up every night), I work with a really great group of people and just within these three short weeks I already have a handful of new knowledge/experience/abilities to add to my resume! And I don't say that because I'm planning on making a professional move any time soon, but because from now on...both professionally and personally...it's all about growth. Upward movement.

I must say that I have joined the organization at its busiest time of year, especially for my department. But, I would much rather it be this way..."baptism by fire"...if I can make it through this busy season, the rest of the year should be a breeze. And I do get a reprive having our "holiday leave" spanning from December 23 through January 2. How sweet is that? All companies should make this a mandate, in my opinion.

So again I say: Life is good! Sure...there is always desire and opportunity for it to be great, but considering what I have been dealing with...I'll take good with pleasure!!!

I mean, don't get me wrong...my Journey is nowhere near being void of drama. However, with the awesome sense of peace that I feel these days, I'm learning how to deal with and overcome the drama much better than I have in recent years.

Humbly, I ask that you continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Next, on my list of "to do's" is finalizing my divorce and finding an apartment in DC. Send them up for me family...because I know, without a shadow of doubt, that your good thoughts and prayers in the past have contributed to my present! Many, many thanks!

Now that I have given you the long overdue update, I'm going to chill out before I call it a night. I must hand it to all of you working bloggers...this ain't easy. I'm sure it will get better as time goes on...after I'm done reacquainting myself with full-time work.

It better...cause I don't know what I would do without ya!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T07:22:00.000-05:00

(Looooooove her...think she kinda looks like me sans the turkey since I won't be cooking this year)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. Waking up in the morning to the smell of turkey and stuffing, cozying up on the couch to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, taking trips down memory lane with family and friends, all that good eatin', nodding off to the sounds of football...it has always been a comforting holiday for me.

I wish all of you, and your families, a very Happy (and yummy) Thanksgiving! Whether you go around the table aloud or you silently reflect, I hope that you will consider all of the many things you have to be thankful for...and don't forget about the simple things! I know there are many of us with really big hopes and dreams that have not yet come to fruition, but I encourage you to still give thanks for what you DO have. A roof over your head, food on your table, clothing on your back, supportive family, good friends, your J-O-B (that will be number one on my list this year)...these are things that so many people don't have, and that so many of us take for granted.

Be thankful and enjoy!

Move Over Melanie Griffith...

2006-11-22T12:28:00.000-05:00

I'm the new Working Girl!!!!!!

I got the job!

My second interview on Friday ended up being a review of my personality/professional profile and a formal offering of the position as Conference & Events Associate! After we worked out the particulars with the staffing agency it was a done deal. The money isn't exactly what I would have wanted, but the benefits are great and I get to travel again - so that makes up for it. I also prepared for a pay cut since I'm making a career transition, so that lessened the blow a bit. And the reality is that what I'm being offered is A LOT more than what I have been making the past 13+ months with my part time retail gig.

Bottom line: God is Good!!! I have received the answer to my prayer and I feel extremely blessed by what I have been offered!!!

My manager is on vacation this entire week, so I start on Monday. It was nice to have a week to reflect and give thanks (perfect timing, huh?) Initially I was going to post my good news immediately, but I thought I would allow myself time with my own thoughts.

So...now I'll be on the search for my own place in DC!!! It'll probably have to be a studio or a very affordable one bedroom to start. I've looked online to get a feel for what my options might be once I save up enough. I have found a couple places I'll want to check out...but I'm also taking recommendations if anyone knows of any good spots.

I would be remiss if I didn't, again, thank all of you for your support, advice and prayers. It made all of the difference in the world...gave me different perspectives to consider, picked me up on days when I was down and offered reassurance when I wasn't totally sure. This has been one of the toughest legs of my Journey and I'm glad that I had you all by my side!

There has also been a Smokie Norful song that I have been playing throughout this recent interviewing process...I'll share a bit of it with you as you never know who might be in need of a bit of inspiration:

I've had sins
And I've had pain
My heart has been broken
And my life has been strained
But in spite of everything I've been through
I still gotta say thank you

I've been up
And I've been down
Had my life turn, turn, turn
Completely around
But in spite of everything I've been through
I still... I gotta say thank you

Thank you... Thank you
For your many blessings (For your blessings)
In spite of my mess (In spite of my mess)
Lord, you looked down and you blessed me (For Your blessings)
Even in the midst of my test (In the midst of my test)
In spite of everything I've been through
I still gotta say thank you

Still Say, Thank You - Smokie Norful

Blessings!

Speak To My Heart

2006-11-16T17:55:00.000-05:00

Decisions, decisions...

Those of you who read my last post were made aware of the job that I interviewed for last week. With my renewed spirit and focus, I have been praying and believing like I never have before. And I want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, who have added me to your prayer lists. What I have been reminded of when it comes to prayer, however, is that you have to be still and listen closely for the answer...especially since it may not come in the form of what you want, but rather what you need.

I have been of the belief that the position for which I have been praying, is - for now - my "dream situation." Beautiful offices, prime DC location that is metro accessible, lots of young employees that look like me, the type of role/responsiblity/experience that I have been looking for and the possiblity of exciting and eventful perks.

This belief remained as such until yesterday.

Earlier this year I hooked up with a local staffing agency that proved to be subpar, at best. I would receive calls about opportunities, request that my resume be sent and then...nothing. No follow up, no feedback, no interviews...nada! Well, a change came last week when I was finally emailed an opportunity which produced an interview that took place yesterday afternoon. The position is Conference & Events Associate for a fairly large trade association, and one with which I am familiar.

I was under the impression, based on the information provided to me by the staffing agency, that this was a temp-to-hire position. However, during my interview (that went extremely well) I learned that it is a permanent position that they are eagerly looking to fill. When our meeting concluded, they (the VP of Operations and the Director of Meetings) told me they would email me a link to the McQuaig Word Survey (personality/professional profile survey) that would need to be completed as a part of the interview process. I completed said survey this morning. Thirty minutes later I received a call from the employer requesting a second interview tomorrow morning.

All good, right? Weeelllll...kinda.

From the time I left the interview yesterday afternoon until ending a conversation with one of my sister-girlfriends two hours ago, I had been wrestling with the idea of having to make a choice, more specfically, potentially making the wrong choice. On one hand, I have my first choice - the "assumed dream job" that I described above. On the other, a position that is of great interest to me and that could very well have been my "first choice" if there was no interview last week.

After the "oh Lawd why me's" and the "why can't things just be easy's" - I realized that it was a blessing to even be in this situation. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been offered either position yet...so why create a problem where no problem exists...yet. Right? Right.....IF I wasn't such a worry wort! So...in preparing to make a decision, I had to weigh my potential options and ask that the Spirit speak to my heart.

In an attempt to make a more informed decision, I decided to send an email to the HR Director of the first job letting her know that I was interviewing with another company and thought I might be offered a position...try to find out if they were still expecting a 6 week selection process and if she thought I had a chance of being called back for a second interview. While I waited for her response it dawned on me...I'm losing focus. I'm beginning to "sweat the small stuff" to the point that I'm missing the big picture. I could totally be blocking a blessing!

Let's consider the attributes of the first job that I metioned at the beginning of my post and take what is really important into consideration, shall we:

* Beautiful offices: all that glitters ain't gold and it would be foolish to let exposed brick walls, hard wood floors and funky paint determine my professional future.

* Location: can you really go wrong with any location in downtown DC? Both are metro accessible (one block from the station) AND the second job's location doesn't require me to transfer trains.

* Staff: although it would be nice to work with people that are my age and that look like me, the truth is I have a gang of friends in the area - so it's not like I need to make friends. I want to learn and grow professionally...and the transfer of knowledge knows not of age, race, gender, religion, sexuality...you get the point.

* Roles/Responsiblities/Experience: since I'm transisitioning my career, both positions are on even playing grounds. One has the potential of helping me, primarily, hone in on my writing skills - while the other, my coordinating/event marketing skills. Either way, I'm building upon my resume.

* Perks: job option one, the perks are assumed. Job option two, a couple are known: 1) getting the week between Christmas and New Year off and 2) the biggest conference of the year is held in February and this year? It's in VEGAS! (Ironically, one of my previous employers sent me to one of their conferences and it was at Disneyworld...so it seems like the conference locations are pretty darn decent).

But more important than ALLLLLLLof that, let's consider my PRAYER! My prayer was to work again...to be able to explore a new career path...to be placed back on the road of financial independence...to be offered a job that I would like...and one that would allow me to stay in the city that I love. That THY will be done...not MY will be done. What I failed to realize is that the first opportunity could very well be MY will...and the flesh is full of error and imperfection, but the Spirit is perfect!

I believe there is a reason why an interview where a decision might not be made until 2007 was, within just a few days, followed up by an opportunity that is an immediate answer to my prayer!

I can't say for sure how this will all play out in the end. It could end up being a test of my obedience...or it could simply be preparing me for a totally different opportunity. I won't know until I know. But what has been made perfectly clear is that I made a request that my heart be spoken to...and I have received answers that I desired.

I pray, now, that my steps be ordered...

Autumnal Utterings

2006-11-11T07:57:00.000-05:00

After a pretty lengthy hiatus (Blogland speaking), my intention was to come back with a vengeance. It's been two weeks since my last post, so that whole "with a vengeance" thing....um yeah...kinda didn't work out so well for me.

"But still, like dust, I'll rise."

Autumn. My absolute favorite time of year. A season of beauty...of reflection on the season past. A season of change and transformation...of a colorful death of what once was, in order to make way for what is to come. A season of cool, crisp air...the kind that, when breathed in deep, clears the mind and senses - reminds you of just how alive you are.

A lot has gone on in my life and in my mind since last I posted, some significant...others not so much. In no particular order...my autumnal utterings:

~ I purchased a CD from Whole Foods Market called "Putumayo Presents Acoustic Africa." I had no intention of purchasing this CD when I walked in the store, but was drawn in when I heard the first track. The title of the track is "Sore" - it's by Diogal, a Senegalese artist that I had not heard of until now. Although I don't understand the language, the emotion behind the music speaks a universal language. This morning it dawned on me to read the CD cover. Part of the description of this track reads: "On 'Sore' (The Immigrant), Diogal reveals his talent for creating lilting and memorable melodies. He sings of an immigrant who thinks nostalgically about his roots and the ancestral values of his people." In a way that is too deep for words, it is no wonder that I was taken by this song! The spirit world is so very strong.

~ Speaking of Whole Foods Market...every time I walk the aisles of that store I long for the day when I can do the bulk, if not all, of my shopping there. I never thought grocery shopping could be a peaceful experience until Whole Foods. It truly is tragic that it costs so much to eat and live well. Really makes you wonder...

~ I have been dealt yet another blow...lost yet another bit of independence. I think it was the day after my last post that I returned my car to its "rightful" owner - the soon-to-be-ex. What an ugly situation! To make a very long story short, when in LA we both owned our own cars (in our own names). Foolishly, with only a few more car payments on my car, I agreed to get a brand new car. We used my old car as a down payment and put the new car in my husband's name (he was offered a $25/month lower car payment than me). Given my current situation, I couldn't afford to make the full payments. He was gracious enough (I guess) to make the payments for as long as he could, but recently pulled the plug. So now I'm kicking myself because I could have kept my old car and been free of a car payment. Now...I have nothing and have no idea when I will be able to have something. In an effort to think positively...even if the situation was different, I didn't need as much car (space) as I had - nor did I need one with such a high note - considering that I'll be working with one income from now on. (This could be an ENTIRE post of its own...but I'll save you the agony and stop while I'm ahead!)

~ On the "upside of anger" so to speak, I had an interview on Thursday! It was for a Communications Specialist positon with a (seemingly) really cool organization in DC. I'm not going to jinx this opportunity like I feel I did the last, but I will say that I am praying REALLY hard for this job (I'm even considering fasting for it). The only annoying part is that is may take 4-6 weeks for a final decision to be made. For all of you prayin' folks - please get on your knees, in your prayer closets, go to your prayer meeting - with me on your list. I also received a call from a staffing agency that I hooked up with and a company with a temp-to-hire position is interested in speaking with me on Monday....I didn't get the message until late Friday night, so that might not happen until Tuesday. Either way...the search still continues!

~ For those of you who are unaware, there is a very large Ethiopian population in the Washington, DC Metro area. I say that to say this - EVERYWHERE I go, I am mistaken (or atleast I think it's a mistake) for being Ethiopian. This has been happening to me since I was attending Howard U. many, many moons ago. And it's not Americans that make this mistake...it's Ethiopians! If I'm not asked, it's assumed and I'm greeted with "indemin nesh" which is followed by a look of confusion and shock when they learn that I am American. I've even had a couple individuals insist that I am Ethiopian..."you may not know it, but you ARE Ethiopian." When this first started happening years ago, I decided that I wanted to go to Ethiopia. I had a friend who was from Ethiopia and was planning to go back for a visit. I thought she would be the perfect tour guide and I began teaching myself Amharic. Unfortunately, I never made it to Ethiopia and my Amharic studies didn't get past basic greetings. This "mistaken identity" is very bittersweet for me. Sweet because I am honored by it as I believe that Ethiopians are some of the most beautiful people in the world...both physically and culturally. Bitter because I want so badly to be able to say, with certainty, that "yes" I am Ethiopian...to have a definitive cultural identity, because so often I feel that I do not. According to friends that have traveled to different regions in Africa, there are some native Africans that can tell from which region of the continent you hail simply by facial features. If this is true, there seems to be no confusion as to which region I should be claiming...Viva Ethiopia!

~ I love, love, love Grey's Anatomy! This week's epsiode was yet another hour of brilliant writing and thought provocation. I know what happened between Isaiah Washington and T. R. Knight was sheer ignorance, but I am still in love with Dr. Burke! Wish I had one of my very own...lol. Kudos Ms. Rhimes!!! I don't think that can be said enough...she is truly a force to be reckoned with!

~ I want to change the look of my blog, but I have no idea where to start. I'm bored with my current template/features and as this is a season of change, my desire is to give my site a much needed facelift. I'm just not savvy enough to do it on my own. I guess the easiest way for me to do it would be to change hosts - and I actually do have an account with Vox - but that alone just isn't doing it for me. Hence, I have not made the switch. Ah well, there are certainly much bigger fish to fry...

~ And last but not least, we lost two very special people this week: Ed Bradley and Gerald Levert. Two great talents gone way too soon. The belief is that death comes in threes...I hate the morbid anticipation that comes with this notion. Rest In Peace Mr. Bradley and Mr. Levert...you will be missed!

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower."

"O" C'mon!

2006-10-26T08:28:00.000-04:00

When I considered posting on this topic, I realized that I rarely blog about the media...or current events. I can't think of any reason why I haven't, because there is MORE than enough going on out there that is worthy of contemplation and discussion. So, in my acknowledgment of that fact, please forgive me if you deem this - one of the few "media topics" that I have chosen to discuss - as being trite.

Yesterday, as some of you may know, Oprah had Madonna - via satellite from London - as a guest on her show. According to Madonna, she was appearing on the show to "set the record straight" regarding her recent adoption of David, an 18-month old boy from Malawi. For those of you who are not up to speed on the issues surrounding this adoption, go here. Go here for more information on the interview with Oprah. (hopefully the links will work, but if not you can google it)

Let me first go on the record as saying that I am an advocate for adoption, especially the adoption of Black children - the consistently overlooked and devalued. I will also say that I applaud the various celebrities that, be it intentionally or unintentionally, have brought African adoptions - specifically - to the forefront. There are many people that believe that adoption should begin at home - with American children - and while I do agree, the reality is that it doesn't seem like that is happening at the same rate as international adoptions. Therefore, my recommended continent of choice is Africa.

I digress...

As it relates to this particular interview - my issue is with what seems to be a lack of candor on Madonna's part, and a lack of journalistic integrity on the part of Oprah. What I am really considering in this lowly blog entry, is the "elephant" that stood in Harpo Studios named "preferential treatment" - and the blatent disregard of its existence.

What has presented itself to be the main point of contention in this "case" is the time, or lack thereof, that it took to process this adoption. When asked by Oprah if she felt as though things happened more quickly for her because of her celebrity status, Madonna's response was something to the effect of wishing that it HAD gone quickly and that if you know anything about Africa, you know that nothing happens quickly in Africa.

Well...I've never been to Africa, soooooooo...okay. I can see how, coming from America where things are usually quick, quick, quick that when going to another country, you might think they move slow.

But then here's the kicker...about 10 or 15 minutes after Madonna implies that everything was done by the books, Oprah tells Madonna that she heard that the adoption is not really official. That in 18 months, "the powers that be" are going to determine whether or not she is going to be able to keep baby David. Madonna says no way...not true. She goes on to explain that right now they are in a phase called "interim adoption." Interim adoption, she goes on to educates us, is the legally determined timeframe (of 18 months) when the adoptive parents are supposed to reside in the country (in this case Malawi) with the child. During this time, the family is evaluated and monitored to ensure a smooth and comfortable transistion - both for the child and the new parents. Well...Ms. Material Girl then says that this law was, essentially, waived - allowing their "interim adoption" to take place in London - because there was no way that she could leave her children and husband to go live in another country for 18 months.

Are you serious???? If you want to adopt from Malawi, or any other country that has such laws, YOU DO! I would have to, so why shouldn't she? And the crazy thing is she has the means to do that...the money to not worry about work and to fly her family back and forth when she missed them...or move them there with her for the 18 month time period!

I don't know about you, but something smells very strongly of preferential treatment!

Now...here is where Oprah disappointed me and displayed her inability to seperate herself from her celebrity. She, in my own personal opinion, as a bonafide journalist should have taken this opportunity to question Madonna as to whether or not that very "allowance" was a form of preferential treatment...of something that was done simply because of who she is. But nope, she just let that slide...didn't flinch, didn't question...NO.NOTHING! I was stunned, and borderline offended, by the fact that they obviously think we're idiots. I mean, am I wrong? Is this not an example of the exact kind of thing that has people questioning the whole process? And...in an effort to "set the record straight" was it journalistically irresponsible for Oprah to not dig deeper...ask the tough question?

One might have concluded that Oprah was standing by what she stated in the beginning of her show - that with all of the other serious, life threatening situations going on in the world, does it make sense that Madonna's adoption should make the headlines? So maybe she didn't want to contribute to making a sensational mountain out of a molehill.

I think not.

See, after Madonna's segment, Oprah interviewed the Dixie Chicks. If you'll remember, the Dixie Chicks made international headlines after the lead singer, Natalie Maines, spoke out against the war and the President while performing in London. But rather than focus on the controversy surrounding the war and the President...the meat of why Natalie said what she said...Oprah was insistent upon the other two members of the group sharing whether or not they were mad at Natalie for what she did/said. If you watched closely, you'd notice that the Chicks seemed to try to gloss over that question...not create a problem where no problem existed (apparently)...laugh it off and get on to the real issues. But Oprah dug deep...actually asked them to "get serious" and basically give us the scoop. Air their personal, and possibly "dirty," laundry.

Hmmmmmm...interesting. Maybe it's just me, but I don't get it.

The bottom line is that I agree with Oprah in that Madonna did a wonderfully beautiful thing. She adopted a child and has given him what he might not have had if he remained in that Malawian orphanage...and that's opportunity. I would never question her on, nor fault her for, that.

But, what would be nice is a tad bit of honesty...and reality. It's already enough that we have to put up with that fake a** accent!

Oy vey!

When Life Hands You Beads...

2006-10-22T09:09:00.000-04:00

...string 'em!!! (it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't hit you with corny upon my return...lol)

I'm preparing to go to the International Gem & Jewelry Show in Baltimore this morning. This will be the second time I've gone to the show...I went to my first about three months ago and spent an insane amount of money, relatively speaking. Today I will attempt to exhibit a bit more restraint...riiiiiiiiiight :) However, the money that I spend can be justified by the fact that I'm actually selling my pieces now...it's no longer just something to do to occupy my time.

So, in the spirit of all that is creative, I thought I'd share some of the pieces that I made while I was "away" (it's been a trade off...if I'm blogging, I do less beading...and if beading, less blogging - I must find a happy medium). Here's the latest (I'm hoping you can click on the image for a larger view):

As always, comments are welcomed...including constructive criticism. However, keep in mind that "I'm an artist, so I'm sensitive about my **it" (10 cool points to the person who can tell me who said that line)! LOL

Okay...I must go get ready to do some damage!

Creatively...
Darbs

A September Solstice

2006-10-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

...has led to October Optimism!

Before I begin, I guess it goes without saying that I have been in quite the blog fog lately. As evidenced by this entry, the fog has lifted! Many, many thanks go out to all of you who have hung in there with me...those of you who have left comments of concern and/or encouragement - as well as those of you who have reached out to me "offline" so to speak. This is part of "The Journey" folks...the real, raw and, many times, rocky Journey.

So much to say with no clear understanding of exactly how to say it all.

September, into the beginning weeks of October, found me in the midst of the "calm before the storm"...but the antithesis of what we all know this phrase to actually mean. It wasn't a peaceful calm, but rather the make-believe type of calm that comes from avoidance and oblivion. And the storm that has come? Well, it's the only good kind of storm there is - the "take the world by" kind.

While I will say that I feel I have been handling my "dark hour" relatively well, I must also admit that I have not been as forward thinking or optimistic - faithful even - as I should. And if I'm honest, I have even fallen short since optimism has taken residence in my spirit...having felt a pang of "je ne sais quoi" after slipping on my wedding band (oh...and the engagement ring too) less than 48 hours ago. Although I am certain that is was neither doubt nor regret that I felt, I cannot put my finger on what the feeling was exactly. But, I do know for sure that it wasn't one that I wanted (or needed) to usher me into the greatness that awaits me.

Granted, I do still have some hills to climb...but I'm thankful that they are hills and not mountains! And, I am focused...in a way that I haven't been in some time. So, yes, the rings did eventually come off...in a matter of minutes in fact (thanks, in part, to my "blog angel" who has swooped in - on more than one occasion - and redirected me from going down the "ugly road").

It's ironic because I cannot say with any certainty just what is coming...or just how mindblowing it's going to be...but I have an amazingly awesome sense of comfort in the anticipation and wake of its arrival.

Now...for some updates:

~ I did not get the position that I had interviewed for a post ago. What we see as being humanly perfect isn't always divinely perfect. However, the postive pep that has been put in my step has sent me into a job finding frenzy and am excited for the outcome.

~ I attended my alma mater's Homecoming this past weekend - the only Homecoming worth mentioning...lol - HOWARD HOMECOMING!!! I spent the weekend with my sister-girlfriend, visiting from Miami, who is also going through a divorce right now. And for as much as I would have loved to see/hang with my entire group of sister-girlfriends, I was thankful that I received the chance to spend some quality time with this particular friend. Surprisingly for many, no male bashing, husband hating, bitter banter took place. Quite the contrary. Our conversation, and even our silence, was full of encouragement...hope...new beginnings...and happier endings. The familiar faces, squeals of joy, warm embraces, easy smiles and stories of progress...upward movement...left me high. Refreshed. Renewed. I realized that the "Howard Experience" did not end for me in 1998...that I continue to grow and learn from that great institution...and from the greatness that it has produced. My blood runs BISON BLUE, and I could not be more proud!

~ And last, but not least, Homecoming weekend also allowed me to bring to you...* drum roll please*...THE NEW HAIR:

Not the best shot (I should have taken off the sunglasses), but it gives you an idea. You've waited so long that something is better than nothing, right? And. I. Am. Still. LOVIN'. It!!!!!

Soooooo...I am sure there is so much more that I could share, but I'm going to ease back into Blogland and not overdo it in this one post. Right now, I'm just glad to be back! I missed y'all!

And the Journey continues...

How Sweet It This?

2006-08-29T16:36:00.000-04:00

I Carry Your Heart With Me (I Carry it in My Heart)


I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever
 is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

by. e. e. cummings

Wow.

Cultivation v. Cash

2006-08-12T10:21:00.000-04:00

Doubt, although usually negative, is an extremely powerful thing. I'm praying for clarity and I almost have it, but I thought I would share and open up the floor for feedback from my Blog fam...

Yesterday, I had an interview with a small, independent cable network in DC. The ENTIRE process was smooth, effortless and enjoyable...from the moment I received the call on Thursday to set up the interview, until the minute I walked out of the interview on Friday morning. It all went so very well...let me give you a bit more detail:

* When I received the call late Thursday afternoon requesting a meeting for the NEXT morning, I was a bit apprehensive. Usually I like to give myself, atleast, 24 hours to prepare. In addition, I was scheduled to work my part time job and Lawd knows I need the money. BUT...something told me to just go with it. Take the interview and make it work...and that's just what I did.

* I got my suit and things ready the night before...I was worried about the fit cause it's been a minute since I've had to don my business gear. BUT...everything fit very nicely and I was doin' the damn thang if I do say so myself.

* For those of you who live or know anything about the Metro DC area, you know that getting into the District during the rush hours ain't nothin' nice. I left the house with an hour to spare, but I was still a bit worried about traffic and finding parking. Well...traffic was non-existent and parking was a breeze. I found metered parking directly infront of the building (note for future reference: I put in enough change to get me an hour's worth of parking having been told that the interview would be approximately 30 minutes).

* I arrived in the lobby with 15 minutes to spare. When the VP of Marketing came out to get me, she was a sistah (which never guarantees anything, but is always a pleasure) and...she was wearing jeans (YES!!! A business casual/casual work environment is a HUGE win for me).

* The interview was oh so comfortable. She ran down the responsibilities, what she is looking for and how she likes to work. She gave me her background (which is a carbon copy of mine) and we talked a bit about my experience and where I was trying to go with my career. She mentioned that they have another Howard grad working for the company and how well she has done for herself (that, having a fellow Howard grad as a co-worker, is also a comforting thing for me).

After we took care of all the "business" stuff...we chit chatted...like old girlfriends. The conversation went all over the place...from places we've lived, family background, college and life in general. THEN...she said it...what almost sealed the deal for me...the subject of our conversation at that moment led her to say..."this was ordained...I believe that...I believe that you were supposed to be here at this time...we were supposed to meet...and I'm glad that we did." I almost fell off my chair! I had told her nothing of how easily everything happened surrounding my interview with her...yet she confirmed that "everything happens for a reason."

* She agreed, like so many other potential employers have, that I was overqualified for the position. However, understanding that I was "redirecting" my career in a sense, she didn't dismiss me like so many other people have in the past. The fact is that I have a ton of sales experience, but I don't have a lot of the "traditional" marketing experience that I need to land a position that will pay me, off the cuff, what I have been making the past. I accept that, and understand that...thankfully, so does she. She also mentioned that in the sales/marketing field, you have to ALWAYS keep your ears and eyes open for the next big opportunity...she does, everyone she knows does...as do I. I welcomed her acknowledgement of this truth...it was almost like that was HER way of letting ME know that SHE knew that this would probably just be a "jump off" point for me.

* Having said all of that, I finally arrive at the point of contention...MONEY. With the money that they are offering, I would be faced with a pretty significant pay cut. Even though I expected this, I still wasn't ready for it...or maybe not ready for it being as substantial as it is. HOWEVER...I can't help but to keep thinking that the knowledge that I'll gain from the position - but more than that from HER (she would be an awesome mentor) - is more valuable than being able to maintain the lifestyle that I had in the past (not that it was THAT extravagant in the first place, but you know what I mean). The bottom line is that with the money that I would make with this company, plus the change that I would make from my part time job on the weekend (I would keep the retail gig for as long as I could stand it), plus the money that I bring in from time to time selling my "jew-elles"...I could make it work. I would have to become a better manager of my money, this is true...but what is even more true is that people make it work with A LOT less.

* Now here's the icing on the cake y'all...remember I told you that I had about an hour in the parking meter? Well, the interview went over that by an hour and for those of you who don't know...DC cops/metermaids DO. NOT. PLAY! I was certain that I was going have a nice little ticket on my windshield to ruin my otherwise perfect day. Can you guess what I found when I got back to my car? N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!! A blinking, expired meter and NO TICKET! If that ain't God, I don't know what is! I happily went on to my part time job and arrived only having missed 2 hours of my 8 hour shift!

So that was my interview experience and I bet many of you are wondering, "what's the problem?" Right? Well...I just can't help wondering what could be as it relates to the money. What could be if I hold out a bit longer. What could be if I wait to see what my godfather's contacts come up with (cause this wasn't one of them). What could be if this doesn't prove to be enough money for me to "make it."

As right as everything else seems, this contemplation is very real. And necessary...I think.

I have a couple things that I need to do for her over the weekend...add some internships back onto my resume that she insists should be there and create a PowerPoint presentation. Then, she wants me to come back next week to meet with her boss and the Howard grad (which will have to take place on Tuesday or Wednesday, given my schedule). So I have a bit of time to think...and to consider any advice/suggestions that you all may have for me.

At the end of the day, I am thankful to be in this position...THIS, I know for sure!

This Just In...

2006-08-09T23:42:00.000-04:00

News Flash: I'm still here!!!

When I looked at the date of my last post, it shocked even me. Time sure does fly...even when your standing still...or trying to stand still.

It's kinda late, I'm a bit tired and I need to get up at like 5AM tomorrow morning...BUT...I could not go another day without posting. So...here's just a quick snapshot of what has been going on with me during my "sablogoical" (have I told you lately how corny I am?):

* Still lovin' my hair although it doesn't seem to be going over so well with the male species. But that's okay...maybe this hair is exactly what I needed to weed out the riffraff.

* Still selling my jewelry...still in shock that it's being bought...who would have thunk it?

* My family finally figured out that I'm not working a full time job. I had been keeping it from them because I just didn't need all the questions, unsolicited advice/opinions/judgements or harrassment. Seems as though I didn't give my family enough credit and/or they are finally understanding that when I don't want to talk about something, I don't want to talk about it. Even though the inital conversation with my Mother was a bit uncomfortable, they have been pretty respectful of my wishes. Let's see how long that lasts...

* I got in contact with my "godfather" of sorts and he has put me in contact with some people in DC that he knows/used to work with. Seems like I might be getting some legitimate interviews in the very near future...please continue to pray for me/think good thoughts for me...I'll keep you posted.

* I'm currently diggin' the following artist: Corinne Bailey Rae

* I'm currently diggin' the following songs for many different reasons: "Happy" by Meleni Smith, "Margarita" by Sleepy Brown featuring Pharrell & Big Boi, "Entourage" by Omarion, "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae...and there's a couple more on my list but it's too late for me to remember them all.

* A 22 year old guy has been flirting with me for the past couple weeks now...it makes me giggle whenever I think about it. And although this is WAY too big of an age difference for me in the wrong direction (ie. younger instead of older), I have to admit it is SUPER flattering and I'm realizing that these young dudes have more game then they used to when I was 22. WOW!

* Still going through divorce BS and emotional highs and lows. I CANNOT wait until this is all over...trust that you will be hearing me say that until it finally is over! I apologize in advance.

* I DO have pics of the new hair, but I'm having difficulty with sizing them...they're WAY too small the way they are now and I don't know how to increase their size (if they even can be).

* My prayer of late, along with my consistent prayer of thanksgiving, has been for a kinder and sweeter spirit. Anger, frustration, confusion and anxiety have taken residence in my spirit causing me to be "not-so-nice" more often than I would like..and it's eviction time!!! If you are the praying type, please add me to your list.

* I'm slowly catching up on the goings on in the lives of my blog family. I know my comments have been few and far between, but the love is still there and ALWAYS will be. I'm reading you even when you think I'm not. I'll be back on the comment scene before you know it.

I'm sure I'm leaving a thing or two out...but that's about the long and short of my recent days.

Thanks for the constant love, support and concern...it is appreciated much more than you will ever know!

Stay tuned cause I ain't goin' nowhere!!!

Standing

2006-07-31T22:05:00.000-04:00

Even though I was taught this lesson some time ago, sometimes I forget that there comes a time when you just have to be still. I've been trying to be in "still" mode for the past week or so...some days I've been successful, others...not so much. I know many of you have been wondering where I've been...and that means so much to me (Mwabi, you know I love you girl!). The fact that I was able to even post these lyrics and this short message is proof that I am going to make it through...not that I ever REALLY doubt that.

I've told myself that I have to ease up on posting lyrics, but these were "given" to me tonight...placed very heavily on my heart...so I had to share them with you...be encouraged!

***

STAND
by. Donnie Mcclurkin

What do you do when you've done all you can
And it seems like it's never enough
And what do you say when your friends turn away
And you're all alone
Tell me what do you give when you've given your all
And it seems like you can't make it through
Well you just stand, when there's nothing left to do
You just stand, watch the Lord see you through
Yes after you've done all you can, you just stand

Tell me how do you handle the guilt of your past
Tell me how do you deal with the shame
And how can you smile while your heart has been broken
And filled with pain filled with pain
Tell me what do you give when you've given your all
And it seems like you can't make it through
Child you just stand when there's nothing left to do
You just stand watch the Lord see you through
Yes after you've done all you can, you just stand

(Stand) and be sure (and be sure)
Be not entangled in that bondage again, you just stand
(Stand) and endure (and endure)
For God has a purpose yes God has a plan, tell me
(What do you do) When you've done all you can
And it seems like you can't make it through
Child you just...stand (stand) you just stand (stand) stand (stand)
Don't you dare give up (you just)

Through the storm (stand)
Stand through the rain (stand)
Through the hurt (stand)
Yeah through the pain (you just)

Don't you bow (stand) and don't you bend (stand)
Don't give up (stand) no don't give in (you just)
Hold on (stand) , just be strong (stand)
God will step in (stand), it won't be long no no no(you just)

After you've done all you can (after you've done all you can)
After you've done all you can (after you've done all you can)
After you've gone through the hurt (after you've done all you can)
After you've gone through the pain oh my (after you've done all you can)
After you've gone through the storm (after you've done all you can)
After you've gone through the rain (after you've done all you can)

Prayed and cried
After you've done all you can....you just ...
Stand.

***

Blessings!

Naturally Ever After

2006-07-22T11:00:00.000-04:00

Truth be told, I never needed a relaxer in the first place. But the mixture of a single mom with very little time, a daughter with long and thick hair, coupled with the absence of a father in the house refusing to let anything be done to his daughter's hair - does not make for a good "natural" formula.

Finally many years, and a move to LA, later...I had had enough. Enough of spending ridiculous amounts of money to suffer in pain from the irritating chemicals on my extremely sensitive scalp. Enough of the damage that comes from over processing. Enough blaming my mother for ever deciding to get my hair relaxed. My hair was now in my own hands!

After moving to LA and developing a rapport with my hairdresser - I had many conversations with her about my wanting to go natural. I expressed my concerns and apprehensions about the "transitional" period, as I did not want to have to cut ALL of my hair off in order to achieve my goal. She was able to ease my mind and, when I considered the amount of trust I had in her, we began the process.

Less than a year later, my hair was completely natural and I was lovin' it! I was, however, getting my hair pressed for manageability purposes.

About six months or so ago, I decided I no longer wanted to press my hair...I wanted to sport my natural waves/curls. But in order to do this, I was going to have to get my hair cut. For one, I was going to have to get my hair cut to remove the "trained" ends of my hair...the hair that, even though no longer chemically straightened, was bone straight from years of pressing. Secondly, I hadn't had my hair cut since I moved back East and I needed my hair shaped so that my waves/curls would lay nicely (and I say "waves/curls" because I have "combination" hair...LOL).

Two days ago, I got said hair cut....and I. ABSOLUTELY. LOVE. IT! I mean, it definitely took a minute to get used to it, but now that I have I can't stop thinking about how I wish I had done it sooner! Right now I'm wearing it with a few flat twists in the front and the rest is a curly 'fro of sorts. The hairdresser cut off a significant amount, but my hair retracts a bit, so it's really longer than it actually looks. I'm going to have to play around with different products to determine which will give me what kind of look (currently I'm testing out Aveda's Be Curly and Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding)...so we shall see what fabulousness awaits me!

It's really astonishing how much a hair cut can do for your spirit. I feel...changed...in a way. And - although I totally agree with India.Arie when she proclaims: "I am not my hair" - my newly coifed hair has me feeling like the me I've been longing to be...naturally.

Some Fun Facts

2006-07-13T23:05:00.000-04:00

The following list was sent to me via e-mail by a friend of mine. Since my mind is racing in so many different directions and I'm not sure that I can get my thoughts together, I thought I would just post this rather than nothing at all. I usually find these "fun facts" to be quite entertaining when I read ones that are similar on other people's blogs. Here is my attempt at entertaining you...

*** DARBS' FUN FACTS ***

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
Yes

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
5 years

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
A CD

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
Too many times

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE?
Junior High

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
Beads and Books

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
Beef patty & coco bread

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Eyes

9. SOME FAVORITE SONGS?
Way, way, way too many to name

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Maryland...just outside Washington, DC

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
Somerville High School

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
Nextel...unfortunately

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
Macy's

14. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
No

15. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
No...but I did when I was younger...before Caller ID and *69

16. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
My mother...definitely

17. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIENDS:
Some daily...for the couple of others, sadly, it's been months...years even.

18. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
Roy Rogers

19. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
I love you

20. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
The kitchen table...their's or mine...there is nothing like the comfort of home with good food and good friends.

21. CAN YOU COOK?
Yes..I make mean fried turkey chops, baked macaroni & cheese and lasagna

22. WHERE'S 25 DOUCHE?
I have NO IDEA what this question means...am I a loser???

23. BEST KISSER:
Me :o)

24. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
On the outside...two days ago. On the inside...daily.

25. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
Eclairs...I hate that stuff in the middle.

26. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
My heart

27. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
My weight

28. CAN YOU SING?
Sometimes

29. LAST KISS?
May 30th...so sad that I can give an exact date

30. LAST MOVIE WATCHED:
Must Love Dogs

31. ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
Lip Gloss

32. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
The Carribean

33. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
Both...the desktop is mine, the laptop is borrowed.

34. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
Chris Rock

35. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
Depends

36. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
Physically...no one In my dreams...it all depends.

37. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
Yes...but not for long

38. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
French Toast

39. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
Absolutely!

40. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled hard with cheese

41. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?
Hard to say...strangely enough, it's usually pretty accurate. It's definitely entertaining.

42. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My friend "G"

43. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
My sister

44. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
"Good morning" from my first love who is now one of my very good friends.

45. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
Now...one. Usually...four.

46. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
Gauchos and a t-shirt

47. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC
See my last post

48. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?
Grape

49. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
Yes...but I'm not THAT great.

50. CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes...I do better under than over.

51. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Breyer's Coffee

52. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
I guess...if I'm lost.

53. TELL ME A FEW RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF:
I have two tattoos
I graduated with honors from Howard University
I am very often misunderstood

54. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON:
Autumn...cool & crisp air, sweaters, trees sprinkled with my favorite color (orange) and comfort food.

55. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
Today

56. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
For good? 8AM.

57. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?
The silence right after a heavy snow fall/storm.

58. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH:
Yes...but I'm getting over it.

59. WHAT IS THE FIRST LETTER IN UR CRUSHES NAME:
I'm trying to get over it...words (and even letters) are powerful, so I plead the 5th on this one.

60. DO YOU THINK SEX IS COOL OR OVERRATED:
Depends on who it's with...but most times it's VERY cool.

61. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
Working

62. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDATE?
January 26, 1976

63. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
At peace...Happy...and Truly Loved.

64. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
Yes

65. ARE YOU SMILING?:
Nope

66. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW:
Without a doubt

67. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
Africa...Ethiopia to be specific

68. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?
LOL...no

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME:
Right now I'm diggin' "Savannah"

70. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
Turquoise, Navy & White

71. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
My Alma Mater does

72. LATEST INJURY?:
Hurt feelings

73. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER:
Yes, four to be exact

74. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
Yes

75. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
Yes...but not overnight

76. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE in PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
If I'm honest...yes.

77. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
None...I take it off as soon as I get in the house

78. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
Catch up on some more blogs.

So...how did I do? Straightforward, I know, but hopefully atleast a wee bit interesting. And if it wasn't, just humor me...did you read #65...a sistah needs to smile...LOL!

A "Dedicated" Friend

2006-07-10T22:45:00.000-04:00

I was checking my cell phone messages yesterday and I had a message from my BK sister-girlfriend ("BK" meaning Brooklyn for those of you not from the Tri-State area). I figured that she was calling to tell me that she sold another one of my necklaces. NOPE! It was even better than that!

She was calling to dedicate a song to me.

To paraphrase the message, this song is one that makes her think of me every time she hears it. It prompted her to pick up the phone and remind me of the great person that I am...something that she realizes that I may have forgotten...something that she says everyone else still sees (at the very least, those people that really know and love me). She suggested that I listen to this song every morning when I wake up...make it my anthem...use it for motivation...inspiration.

She's right...and I will.

The song is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. For those of you who don't know it, it goes a little sumthin' like this...HIT IT (sorry...I just couldn't help myself...LOL):

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself with words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself with words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! Is there anything else to say about lyrics that relay a message such as this? I think not.

Please don't take this as bragging...but have I been blessed with wonderful friends, or what? The kind of friends that, when you stumble, know when they need to either pick you back up and push you forward, grab you by the hand and run beside you or when they need to just allow you to rest and finish the race for you. The kind of friends that, no matter how hard you try to hide it, know when you're ebbing and when you're flowing. The kind of friends that remind you that what may feel like an end, is just the beginning. The kind of friends that think you are great.

I want my friend to know that I didn't just hear her message...I listened...and I felt. I felt her concern, her support and her love. Thank you...thank you for reminding me!

With arms wide open, I am...

With Sympathy...

2006-07-06T22:33:00.000-04:00

I write this post in honor of a very dear friend and her family who, on Sunday, lost a brother...a son...a husband...a father.

In the midst of fretting over the valleys that have been carved into my life, I received a phone call informing me that my friend's brother had died....way too young, way too soon. I immediately had a flashback...a moment of deja vu...taking me back 10 years when I received a similar phone call, relating to this same friend, announcing the death of her brother who was on that ill-fated flight that crashed into the Everglades.

Ten years. Two brothers. Two sons.

It's amazing just how quickly your personal trials and tribulations can become so insignificant...how quickly a lesson can be taught...a lesson of thanksgiving...of living in the moment and loving the life that is yours. For tomorrow, as I was reminded today, is not promised.

My heart, my thoughts, my love and my prayers go out to my friend and her family. I pray that God will provide the comfort that they need to get them through their time of grief.

Blessings!

11 Things for 11 Days

2006-07-05T19:40:00.000-04:00

It's been 11 days since my last post...

Sounds kind of like a confession of sorts, except I'm not Catholic and there will be no divulging of my sins...LOL. I thought I would keep the mood light and, at the same time, catch you up on some things that have been happening in my life...not because it has been terribly exciting, but just because I'm in the mood to share.

So, for your reading pleasure, here goes 11 Things for 11 Days:

1. I have fallen in love and memorized almost every song on India.Arie's new album,
Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship. If you are an India fan, please go get this CD RIGHT. NOW. And don't let the weird forehead painting/tattoo/ashes situation that everyone has been talking about discourage you...she is the same wonderful, spiritual, raw, creative, uplifting, insightful and reflective India. Tracks #5 (Private Party), #6 (There's Hope) and #2 (These Eyes) are my top three favorites...in that order.

2. I sold three more of my necklaces...YAY! And I attended my very first Jewelry Show and got lots of new beads/shells/stones...so stay tuned for more pics!

3. I finished catching up on the first two seasons of Grey's Anatomy...yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm a late bloomer...but better late than never right? The cool thing is unlike most of you, I didn't have to wait a whole week to find out what happens on the next episode...I was able to watch them one right after the other! But anyway....I. ABSOLUTELY. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. THIS. SHOW!!!!! I can relate VERY much to one character in particular (I'll leave you in suspense on that one...LOL). Needless to say, I cannot wait until September when Season Three begins!

4. I got pissy drunk (and when I say pissy I mean "P" to the "I" to the "S-S-Y") with two of my sister-girlfriends this past Saturday night. It is both a blessing and a curse to have a really good rapport with a really great bartender at a really cool spot. The night was full of strong drinks, tasty appetizers, sexy secrets and lots of laughter! There's nothing like a girls night out!

5. Provided that I can rearrange my work schedule, I will be taking erotic dancing/polercize lessons at the end of the month with one of my girlfriends and the members of her book club. So my future "McDreamy" (for my fellow Grey's Anatomy fans...and that is MINUS the spouse) BETTER. GET. READY!!!! LOL!

6. I may have turned someone off by virtue of misinterpreted semantics. This person is someone that I really, really dig and that I hope knows I meant NO HARM at all. But...if for some reason this person doesn't hold our very short lived friendship in the same regard...I, like I commented on someone's blog recently, will keep in mind the following quote: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

7. Still looking for a full time gig. Still trying not to stay discouraged (because the reality is that in situations like this you DO get discouraged...you just can't wallow in it).

8. I have to meet with my "soon-to-be-ex-husband" tomorrow. We've only seen each other in person for about 3 minutes since I left our apartment back in January. That meeting was weird, but not totally stomach turning. I hope tomorrow's will be just as tolerable. Pray for me y'all.

9. My Mom called me a couple days ago to tell me that she has been having strange chest pains and that she has an appointment to see the cardiologist. I'm praying that there is nothing seriously wrong with her...I just don't think I would be able to handle it. There is a part of me that wants to act like I never got that call...but the other part of me realizes that it's not about me, how I feel or what I can handle...it's about my Mom, how she feels and what she'll be able to handle. I must call her tomorrow to check in.

10. I am a reality show junkie and cannot be happier that "Run's House" and "Making the Band" are back!!! And yes...I am VERY serious! So Thursday night has become my favorite TV night. Pathetic, I know, but HIGHLY entertaining!

11. I actually haven't logged on to Blogger in over three days (which is a long time for me), so needless to say I have missed you all dearly and have to catch up on the "goings on" of your lives. I hope you all are well and that you enjoyed your 4th of July holiday!

That's all folks! Nothing too crazy...nothing too dry and boring...just a little glimpse of what is called "my life".

"Tons" To Grow On

2006-06-24T07:21:00.000-04:00

Even though it is said as if it is a badge of honor (which it may be), it is sometimes quite difficult to accept the fact that we are a work in progress...to realize that you're not in that perfect place or position of your dreams because it's just not your time...there is STILL work that needs to be done. Now, realistically speaking, will we EVER reach that "perfect" place or position? Probably not. But we sure was hell can get much closer than we probably are right now! And what might come as a shock to some is...for the most part, the ball is in OUR court.

Darbs...what do you mean, you ask? Well first let me state the obvious: I am no certified therapist or philosopher...but merely a journeywoman with my eyes on, and ears to the ground of, this thing called "life." So as always, in regards to my following thoughts and statements, feel free to take it or leave it. Now on to what I mean...

What I have come to know as true (the operative word being "I') is that not EVERY trial or tribulation needs to be on "stand by" awaiting remedy by divine intervention. Please don't misunderstand...there are some issues that DO require us to be faithful and wait...there is NO DOUBT in my mind about that. HOWEVER...most of them simply require us to jump start our lazy minds and/or get off our lazy butts and MOVE! And so that everyone is clear, I do not mean move as in relocate (change of scenery, alone, can not always do it...LOL). I mean move as in: Do something! Take action! Being stagnant results in our standing in our own way - doing that very thing that Patti LaBelle told us not to do - blocking our blessings! Hindering our progress.

And we must be honest and realistic with our flaws, weaknesses and bad habits. We can't skip over some and justify the others. Which brings me to the idea of "one to grow on" as it relates to life/personal lessons that I am learning. FOR REAL?? "One" to grow on? Only one?? Yeah right...if only I could be so lucky...LOL...take another look at the title of my post...LOL!

So, in the spirit of being real and honest, I charged myself with sharing some of my shortcomings with you. Here's five (LOL..."one"...that tickles me...LOL):

1. Discipline: from returning phone calls to shedding pounds for health, I must incorporate more discipline into my life.

2. Patience: seems weird to have this one when I just said we need to act, but keep in mind that patience does not equate to idleness!

3. Reservation: I cannot say "yes" to every request. I have to be sure to reserve time and energy for myself and the things that I need/want to do.

4. Honesty: as it relates to my feelings. Not for every little tiny thing, but for the big things...the ones that will keep me awake at night...I must be open with my feelings, concerns, wants and needs.

5. Risks: I have to be willing to take more risks. Without them, there can be no reward.

There are definitely more, but I reserve the right to keep the rest to myself...LOL. And even though I shared what seems to be a very "manageable" list with you - don't go looking for any immediate "breakthrough" posts because after all...I am a "work in progress!" LOL.

But, like they say: Knowing is half the battle!

More Creations

2006-06-21T22:03:00.000-04:00

Now that I have gotten my beadin' back on...I have to balance between that and blogging. They both have brought so much joy into my life that I have to make time to include both of them in my regular routine.

I'm thinking about starting a entirely new blog that will showcase the new pieces that I am making. But...since I'm not totally sold on that idea yet, I'll share them with you here. After all, it has become an integral part of my well being during my Journey...

Hope you likes:

Oh and...GOOD NEWS...sending my other pieces to my friend in New York DEFINITELY paid off. She ended up selling quite a few pieces and I made over $100...in addition to generating a decent amount of interest in my work. Clearly I'm not at the point where I can "quit my day job" but it is definitely a step in the right direction, as well as a HUGE ego boost!

This concludes this portion of my "Show & Tell." LOL!

Tag...I'm It!

2006-06-20T07:42:00.000-04:00

Okay people...I finally got tagged (I was wondering if it was ever gonna happen). Once by my girl Laa and then by my girl Mocha . And of alllll of the topics in the world...it HAD to be about food (one of the very few things I hate to love as my metabolism just isn't what it used to be when I was 20...LOL). I know I'm late with my response Ladies, but as you know I have been MIA for a minute and I'm just catching up on all of your lives. Better late than never though, right?

Here were my marching orders:

1. Pick your top ten favorite foods (which, for me, is impossible)
2. Give your rationale (and photos would be nice, but are optional)
3. Choose 3-5 of your favorite food bloggers to invite

In no particular order...just how they pop in my head...here we go...

10. Doro Wat (Ethiopian)

Before you say anything (and it's probably already too late)...I COULD NOT find an appetizing picture of this dish. But TRUST me...if you like spicy, flavorful food (and you eat chicken & boiled eggs)...you will looooooooove this dish.

It's an Ethiopian stew of chicken in a red pepper paste and they "garnish" it with hard boiled eggs. The chicken is SUPER tender (and is usually dark meat, just FYI). It is spicy, but not the runny nose and watery eyes type of spicy...and part of that spiciness is dulled by the bread that most -if not all - Ethiopian food is eaten with, injera (tangy, spongy, flat bread that is less than appetizing if eaten alone, but provides the perfect je ne sais quoi when used as the "fork" with which to eat your meal)

Word to the wise: I would think twice before eating Ethopian food with anyone whose cleanliness is questionable as it is almost always served family style and is, as mentioned, eaten with your hands....LOL (but not really).

9. Oxtails (preferably Jamaican)

Even I doubted this dish at first. WHY I would want to eat anything's tail is beyond me...but I do...and it is mmm-mmm-good! Like the Doro Wat, this dish is like a stew...juicy, fall of the bone meat drowned in savory gravy (which includes a white bean of some sort) served over rice and peas (that MUST be cooked with coconut milk!!!) Don't knock it 'til you try it!

8. Sushi

And it's all about the spicy tuna roll...mix the spiciness of the tuna, with the sticky cold rice, the chewy seaweed, the heat of the wasabi and the saltiness of the soy sauce...PURE.SEX! And nope...it never dawns on me that I'm eating raw fish...believe it or not!

7. Hoagies

I'm from Jersey...wuddaya expect? Seriously though...there is NOTHING like a good hoagie (sub, hero...I don't care what you want to call it). The absolute BEST hoagies, in my opinion, are from the Hoagie Hut on Route 28 (Union Avenue) in Bridgewater, NJ. One of the MUST HAVES in order to have a stellar hoagie is SHREDDED ICEBERG lettuce...anything else? FUGGETABOUTIT!!!

And for those of you who are craving a good hoagie but will not be visiting the Bridgewater, NJ area anytime soon...please believe that WaWa's hoagies are BANGIN'! I was introduced to them not long ago by my friend who is a pseudo native of Philly (another hoagie haven...it's just a fact...the Tri-State area - and I include Philly - is the TRUTH when it comes to deli sandwiches).

6. Hot Apple Tart A La Mode (from Chili's)

I get the shakes every time I think about this dish...mainly because Chili's TOOK IT OFF THE MENU!!!! Me and my two "ride or die" sister-girlfriends used to frequent Chili's after work when we were all working together in NYC. Not to have dinner or have drinks...oh no...we went to have the hot apple tart a la mode that was served in a piping hot cast iron skillet and drizzled with just the right amount of caramel sauce. At first we all would share one...after about the second time we had it..."no my sistah...you got to get ya own!" It was THAT good!!! So, you could imagine our shock, disbelief and utter disappointment when we heard those horrid 5 words: We. No. Longer. Serve. That. * Blink, blink....blink *. I just DON'T understand. We still get PISSED off whenever we get together and one of us brings it up...I think it will ALWAYS be a touchy subject for us.

5. Fried Whiting

Fried hard, served on white sandwich bread (the ONLY time I will eat it), with hot sauce and hush puppies on the side...need I say more?

4. Cobb Salad (from California Pizza Kitchen)

I love, love, love a good, hearty salad...and this salad is GREAT! It includes two of my favorite salad toppings...pickled beets and avocado...and the Gorgonzola gives it just the right amount of zing. The perfect lunch on a hot day!

Note: If you live in or around Manhattan Beach, CA - you can also get the same salad from LA Food Show in the Manahattan Village shopping center on Sepulveda. This is where I first had it...same ownership.

3. "Better Batter" & "Udderly Cream" Blended with Strawberries (Ice Cream)

I'm not a HUGE fan of ice cream (I prefer popsicles, freeze pops...that kinda thing) HOWEVER there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. So...with summer quickly approaching (or is it here?) if you do not have a Maggie Moo's in your area...CALL. SOMEONE. QUICK!!!! Forget Thomas Sweets, Cold Stone and whatever else you might have heard. Maggie Moo's is what's up...fo' real! Like Cold Stone, Maggie Moo's uses the cold slab to mix and blend their delicious and cleverly named ice cream with an endless array of toppings. My favorite combination is listed above.

2. Potato Knishes

I know that you may have heard some foul stuff about NYC street vendors...but you still gotta love 'em...especially when you are working in the city, you're short on cash and it's lunch time (and sometimes, just because you liked the ish).

So one of my favorites was the potato knish...with butter and sauerkraut...sometimes (and not just because of this) I think I may have been Jewish in a former life (if there is such a thing). Anyway...it's good, quick eatin'!

1. Fruit

Any and all kinds...seriously. At this very moment, I cannot think of any fruit that I don't like. Of course there are some that I like more than others, but none that I can say that I hate. Fruit is the perfect "anytime" kinda food...can be breakfast or dessert...gotta love its versatility...and its sugary sweetness (IF you know how to pick it!)

Whew...so there you have it. I must admit, this was no easy task! By no means are these my ULTIMATE favorite foods (some probably would be included in that list), but they are favorites of mine none the less. As you might be able to tell, I have a pretty undiscriminating palate...for which I am grateful. Variety is DEFINITELY the spice of life!

Now.....MANGIA!

PS. I don't really know how many members of my blog family are "foodies" like me, so if you are...feel free to consider yourself tagged!

Letters to Our Fathers

2006-06-18T07:48:00.000-04:00

"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of their world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."

"Daughters" - John Mayer

Dear Upstanding, Biological Father:

Today, I celebrate you. But like Chris Rock, I am not celebrating you for doing the things that you are supposed to do as a father. Rather, I am celebrating you for how you do them so well. I celebrate you for the support and love that you give to the mothers of your children. I celebrate you for the role model that you are to your sons - raising them to be responsible, strong, good men. I celebrate you for the role model that you are to your daughters - serving as the standard for how she should be treated by every single man that enters her life. I celebrate you for the leadership that you display in your churches and communities.

Way too many men have shown you how easy it can be to just walk away...turn your back on your creation...transition from being a "doer" to just a plain ol' "donor". BUT...with the state of families today - (like Robert Frost) "you took the road less traveled by...and that has made all the difference!" Know that it is very much appreciated!

So THANK YOU Fathers...for every game and recital you've attended, for every time you've stood as a united front with your significant other, for every mowed lawn and emptied garbage, for all that you've provided...for ALL that you are and do...I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Happy Fathers Day,
Darbs

***

Dear Stepfather, Godfather, Adoptive Father, Foster Father and Guardian:

How can I begin to thank you for the choice that you have made. When family and friends told you not to do it...that it wasn't your responsibility...that is was going to change your life (and not for the better) - you made the decision to listen to your heart. Clearly, you are the reason that the quote "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy" was penned. For your children, you are the ultimate superhero. Today, I want you to know that you are my hero as well.

Great is the reward for those who have accepted into their lives a child that was "not his." You have given your children the ultimate gifts...love, hope, faith and opportunity. If I had ten thousand tongues, I still could not thank you enough! You didn't have to do it...but I am so glad that you did!

Happy Fathers Day,
Darbs

***

Dear Dead Beat Dad:

The disappointment is immeasurable. You were a coward and took the easy way out...left it up to someone else to raise your child. How could you? I ask that question knowing that there is no answer that could EVER satisfy me. I've heard all of your lame ass excuses...trickery, immaturity, lack of finances, doubt, fear...guess what? They're played and I don't buy them!

I pray for your children. Pray that they will grow and mature into wonderfully stable and respectable adults. I pray that they will succeed in spite of, and not fail because of, you. There is no doubt that their lives will not be easy, but at the end of the day - it's YOUR loss.

The one good thing is that as long as you, and they, are living...you still have time. Although it may seem like it, and it may even be said, it is NEVER too late. Never too late to contribute financially. Never too late to develop a relationship (on your child's terms). Never, ever too late to say "I'm sorry, I love you and I want to do better."

What will you do?
Darbs

***

To Sarccastik & All the Blogger Fathers/Dads:
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

To My Daddy:
I've always understood...I love you and I miss you.

Lost In Translation

2006-06-17T08:54:00.000-04:00

This morning I have been lost in translation...lyric translation. I woke up singing...which happens quite often. But when I stopped and realized exactly what I was singing and exactly what it all meant...I was no longer lost in translation, but kinda found in it...so to speak. You tell me:

Lyrics: "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."
My Translation: I'm feeling a lot better now however, I'm still not back to my usual self...but I'm not sure that I ever will be. What I have realized is that through this healing process...I am learning. With learning comes growth. With growth comes growing pains, but more importantly, change. And change, well...even when it's good, can cause some discomfort. This emotionally charged "life flow chart" - of sorts - is definitely clear to me now.

Lyrics: "I can see all obstacles in my way..."
My Translation: Okay...what hit home about this particular line is the realness of it. He didn't say that the obstacles are no longer there. Oh no, no, no my friend...life would NEVER be that easy. BUT...I do revel in my ability to SEE the obstacles that are, inevitably, going to appear throughout my life journey. For when you are able to see, you can prepare...reroute if you have to...do whatever it is you need to do to make it through.

Lyrics: "Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind..."
My Translation: And we arrive at my current state of being! Yay! Those blinding dark clouds are slowly moving out to sea...THANK GOD! You know what the interesting thing is though? Dark clouds are tricky little devils because they make you think of doom and gloom...right? WRONG...or atleast not totally correct. What I have discovered is that dark clouds can manifest themselves in the form of all things light and airy...like BLISSFUL IGNORANCE...which has been something with which I have been challenged. What I mean is sometimes, and just sometimes, when you walk through life - or a phase of life - willingly ignoring reality...possibly a little delusional, a touch naive, having slight traces of passive aggression or backstroking down that famous African river (yup...you know...THAT one)...on the outside things look like they are all going your way. But on the inside? Yeeeaaahh...not.so much. You end up walking around LOOKING like you have it all figured out...meanwhile, in reality, your life is falling apart. DARK. CLOUD. It is imperative that I must, always and at all times, confront the reality of my life (or life phase) and deal with it accordingly.

But wait...there's more...we finally get to the REALLY good part...

Lyrics: "It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day"
My Translation: Everything is gonna be alright! Trouble don't last always! This too shall pass! Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! Don't worry be happy! Good things come to those who wait! I could go on and on...but I'll spare you from any more of the motivational/inspirational rah-rah...LOL...I think you get the point.

Just know...ya girl? She's gonna be aight!

Featured lyrics: "I Can See Clearly Now" - Johnny Nash

Too Clogged to Blog

2006-06-15T08:22:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had so may thoughts running through your head that you just couldn't think clearly? That's where I am right about now...and it sucks...BIG time! I have gotten up every morning, since my last entry, wanting to blog...having so much in my head and on my heart but no idea how to express any of it.

And no, it's not writer's block...it's DARBS block...in all of its extreme, unwarranted and inconvenient glory! I've allowed something to take my eyes off the prize...it has stuttered my steps and slowed my pace. But the fog is starting to lift and I'm seeing a bit more clearly now.

There's nothing like a dose of good old fashioned reality to get your mind right...LOL.

Stay tuned...

As Promised...

2006-06-02T04:05:00.000-04:00

Sooooooo...tell me your honest opinion...I can take it...really...I can...LOL.

Okay, but wait! For all of you creative people out there (which is all of us because we all blog...and that's creative in its own right), you know I have to take a moment to be my own worst critic!

Just a couple of things:

1. For those of you who cannot tell, the dominant color of the pieces is jade. These pics do the color absolutely NO justice at all.

2. Originally, I made the necklaces without the pendant/drop - but afterwards I kinda thought (and my friend did too), that it should have one. In retrospect, I think I would have preferred it without...but the customer is always right and she ended up being very pleased (she told me that the bridesmaid's jewelry was better than the bride's...the bride was actually upset that she didn't have me make hers too).

3. My photography skills are not all that great...so there was no way for me, personally, to capture the true beauty of these pieces (especially the "bling" of the Swarovski crystals)...but I DID promise you all pics and for fear of you guys never reading my blog again...I thought I should keep my word :o) LOL. I also need to get one of those dummy heads (I don't know what you call them) so that you can get the true effect of what the pieces look like on...the pendant in these photos looks worse than it really was.

4. The final presentation was the kicker...I boxed the sets in cute little jewelry boxes, tied it with ribbon and created a sticker with the "name of my business" on it and used it to secure the ribbon around the box. And then I put the boxes in a cute little "Thank You" bag. I must say that I impressed my damn self...LOL!

So there you go! I'm on a roll now, a slow roll, but a roll none the less....so what I will TRY to do is post some more pics as I add more pieces to my collection. My girlfriend that I stayed with in NY finally convinced me to let her try to sell some pieces, so I sent most of what I made last summer to her and I didn't photograph any of it before I sent them. *sorry*

Recap of my trip to NYC to follow...I had a GREAT time!!!

Create something!

New York State of Mind

2006-05-25T17:11:00.000-04:00

Okay...first...the jewelry is done AND photographed! The sets turned out beautifully, if I do say so myself, and my friend was MORE than pleased. BUT...I won't be able to post the pics for a minute, as I want to go through the photos to determine which I'm going to post. I would do it now, but I have packing to do for the long weekend.

I've decided to make my way back to New York (update: my sister and I are back on speaking terms after having a long heart-to-heart). Although I would much rather be lying on a white sand beach with a tropical cocktail in the Caribbean (like my jewelry...the wedding is in St. Thomas), I am very much looking forward to this trip. VERY much.

Instead of going straight to my sister's in Westchester, I'm actually going to be spending some highly anticipated time with friends in the city - some old, some new. This is something that I always say that I'm going to do when I visit my sister - but once I get to Westchester, I'm trapped. So, to make certain that this won't be the case, I've decided to head straight into the city...to see what I can get into...what beautiful suprises await me. New York has an invigorating rhythm...it excites me...makes me high...causes me to throw caution to the wind and. just. live!

I wish you all a WONDERFUL holiday weekend. Please be safe and have fun! I'll probably be back in Maryland on Monday, maybe Tuesday...but right now..."I'm in a New York state of mind..."

The Need To Bead

2006-05-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

For those of you who have viewed my profile, you know that I have "making jewelry" listed as one of my interests. Jewelry making became a hobby of mine when I moved back to the East Coast last year. One day, when I was overcome with boredom (and I'm sure getting on my best friend's nerves), my friend suggested that I make a necklace. She had dabbled in jewelry making over the years, so she had lots of supplies to keep me occupied. I had nothing else to do, so I decided to give it a try...I immediately discovered a new love and a hidden talent.

Many trips to the bead store later (having spent nauseating amounts of money), I was hooked. I found beading to be very therapeutic. I was in my own world. Creating beautiful works of...art, really. Before I knew it, I had an array of beads/crystals/charms/clasps in all shapes, sizes and colors and a bin full of custom made necklaces. I hadn't even thought about what I was going to do with them all!

As I began wearing some of my pieces and sharing my new found hobby with friends, the response and reaction that I received was alarming. I was encouraged to begin selling my pieces...start a business even. Strangely enough, I was a bit apprehensive about "letting go" of something into which I had put my heart and soul...accepting money for something that came so easy to me that I felt anyone could do it.

I ended up giving away a couple of necklaces before I actually sold one. My first sale went to a very good friend of mine who purchased them to give away as Christmas gifts. I was told they went over well. That same friend, for Christmas, gave me the most special gift that I think I have ever received...she had about 200 business cards printed up for me and in the box was an article that she tore out of a magazine about a woman who had started her jewelry business after divorcing her husband and finding herself financially strapped, and in a bit of a depression. That gift meant the world to me...it showed me just how much my friend believed in me. I still get chills and teary eyed when I think about it.

After the drama resurfaced in my "marriage," I lost my mojo...lost my desire to create as a result of my lack of inspiration. From time to time I would go through my bead collection...desperate for something to click...to bring back the joy that it had once given me. (cue cricket soundtrack) Nothing.

Well folks, as I gain stride on my journey back to joy, I have fallen in love again!

I have been commissioned, by my gift giving friend's sister, to make the bridesmaid's jewelry for a wedding she is in at the end of the month. Soooo...to make a story, that I never intended to be this long, short - I am beading my little heart out and will be back as soon as I'm through...which is going to HAVE to be in the next couple of days as the wedding is right around the corner. If I'm able to figure out how to post pics...I'll take a few to share with you.

Creativity STILL resides in me after all!

"Wandering Minds" Want To Know

2006-05-16T21:29:00.000-04:00

Although often times cliche, I love a good quote. A quote that makes me consider something that I wouldn't have otherwise...or addresses one of life's many circumstances. The quote that has, as of late, been permeating my thoughts is one from the movie "Mona Lisa Smile." It was delivered by the movie's antagonist, Betty Warren, wonderfully played by Kirsten Dunst and is as follows:

"Not all who wander are aimless. Especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image."

For today's post, I'd like to consider that first sentence. Not. All. Who. Wander. Are. Aimless. This really hits home for me.

I have always been a wanderer. When I was about 4 years old, I wandered away from my mother during one of our day trips to Coney Island. I won't say that I was "kidnapped" but my cousin did end up finding me with a woman who would not give me back to her. My cousin had to run and get my father and...let's just say Lonnie didn't play that...NOBODY messed with his little girl!

There were more occasions, during my very young years, that I overtly demonstrated my independence - sending my mother into fits of panic. Over time, common sense and street smarts set in and my wandering took on a new form: a wandering mind. But not in the "flighty, airhead sense"...in an "I think a little about a lot of things all of the time" sense. And I'm not just talking about trival things like: what am I going to wear today or what am I going to have for dinner (although when extremely famished, that is NO trival thing). No. I'm talking some pretty major life decisions...namely, my career.

As many of you know, I am in the process of looking for a new gig. Even though I have decided to focus on a career path that I believe is perfect for me...my mind is constantly wandering. Thinking about all of the many other things that interest me...things that come natural to me...and that I happen to do quite well. Most times I like the fact that I have many interests and talents...but sometimes I wish that there was only ONE thing in the world that I did really well or that piqued my curiosity. That way, there would be no confusion as to what I should do with my life...and I would feel like I had a definitive purpose. Or atleast that's what I'm assuming (and we all know what happens when we do that...lol).

For longer than I would like, I have been more concerned with what other people think, what they want for me and what society deems as "acceptable." Disappointingly, I have to admit that for the last 7-8 years, I have followed, much more than I have led. My best friend seems to think otherwise...if she were to tell it, I dance to the beat of my own drum and could not care less about what others think. That's who I was when she first met me 12 years ago...and for about 5 or so years after that. Up until recently? I didn't know whether to move on the 2 & 4 or the 1 & 3!

HOWEVER (and here is where the significance of the quote comes in) I have discovered, after many 12 round bouts with myself, that my recent career "wanderings" have not been aimless at all! They have been very focused...focused on finding the truth...MY truth...what is going to make me happy and bring me peace REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks, suggests or wants. Am I a wanderer? Yes. Will I always be? Maybe. But one thing I now know for sure...I certainly am NOT aimless!

And you thought movies were just for entertainment purposes...LOL!

Happy Mother's Day!

2006-05-14T09:25:00.000-04:00

I think you all know how I feel about my Mother from this post. So, I doubt that there is a question about how grateful I am to have been blessed with my Mother. Every day of my life is Mother's day, as I don't think there is one day that goes by that I don't have a thought of her...that's just how much I love that lady! However, today I will conform to commercialism, and will be paying an extra special tribute to her life and life's work as a Mother (although I don't think I can ever top the Mother's day that she spent on "The Yard" at Howard University witnessing the graduation of her youngest daughter...me!). I love you Mom!

A special HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY goes out to all of the bloggin' Moms: Luvin' Me, LaaLaa & MzNewAgenda. Please forgive me for if there were any oversights!

For all the times that a Mother has felt her job/work/love went unnoticed, unappreciated, taken for granted, abused and/or unreciprocated...I want you to know that I noticed, I appreciated...always. I have great respect for the nurturers of, shapers of and role models for our children...our future.

Being a Mother is a huge responsibility and a great challenge...and I can only pray that your children have made it to also be a great honor!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Soundtrack of My Life

2006-05-13T12:44:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love music...at one time I loved to play music (I'm thinking about taking up lessons again at some point during this lifetime), I love to listen to music, I love to study lyrics, I love the way music makes me move...I just l-o-v-e music!!

I've noticed lately, that no matter my mood or state of mind, there is a song that speaks to exactly what I'm going through...I've coined it as the "Soundtrack of My Life" (I probably should add "current" before "life", as it changes so much).

Since my life's current soundtrack is weighing so heavily on me, it deserves a post of its very own...

"It's Only Love That Gets You Through"
Sade

"Girl you are rich even with nothing
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And get no gain.

It's down a rugged road you've come
Though you had every reason
You didn't come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn't suffer in vain.

You forgive those who have trespassed against you
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And love needs no gain.

It's down a rugged road you've come
Though you had every reason
You didn't come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn't suffer in vain.

You didn't suffer in vain
You know it's only love
That gets you through
Only love, it's only love
It's only love that gets you through.

Thanks Sade...good lookin' out girl!

The Haps

2006-05-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT YOU..."

Gotta. Love. Eric B. and Rakim!!!

I'm back folks...and hopefully I'll be back on a more regular schedule again. Next on my agenda, after I finish this post, is catching up on the lives of my favorite people listed to the right of screen...I haven't forgotten about a single person as you all have kept me in good company throughout my journey thus far.

So here's the haps of my life since the post before last...in no particular order:

1. I spoke with a dear friend of mine recently who, sadly, is also in the midst of a divorce. She and her husband have been married for a little over five years...maybe six. Let's call her HS (bka - "Haitian Sensation") They have a four year old son, which is one of a few factors that makes her situation more complex than mine. I found out she was getting a divorce about two months ago and, unfortunately, just got around to calling to check in on her. She is a rock...I must say...and her strength and courage is contagious. Although I love and appreciate the advice of my family and friends (present company included), it was comforting to talk to someone (especially a person that I love so dearly and know so well) who I feel knows the EXACT place in which I stand. We both are gonna make it through...and make it through wiser and stronger than ever before! I shared my blogging experience with her and have encouraged her to give it a whirl...so who knows...you may be hearing from her soon!

2. I saw "him." As you know from earlier posts, I have tried my best not to see my soon-to-be-ex, communicating via e-mail, text messages and voicemail (in extreme cases) only. Trying to have a conversation with him live and in living color would be a recipe for disaster. But I was leaving the grocery store near my old apartment and I saw him from over a block away. His back was to me, but he has a very distinctive walk and I would know it from a mile away. I recognized his get up...he had been out running. What wasn't recognizable, however, was the female he was walking and chatting with. I'm not gonna lie, it stung. But not in the "I want you back" kinda way, but rather the "are you serious???" kinda way. I said a quick prayer and asked God to let the feeling roll off my back just as easily as I rolled right past him. IF they were/are "together" - he's her problem now...God bless her. But...who knows? I don't know the real/true story...and don't really care to know. It did cause me to have a nightmare though *shiver*...but only one.

3. Perfect segue...I can offically file for my "limited divorce" (which is a legal separation in most other states other than cockamamy Maryland...yeah, I said "cockamamy"). As of about a week ago, I met the requirement of being a resident of Maryland for one year. The papers have been filled out and I'm just waiting for the issues surrounding my vehicle to be settled between the two of us. I'm hoping we can get that squared away in the next couple of days so I can be one more step closer to having my life back. Pray for me y'all!

4. Having learned of hap #1 (in addition to the others), it got me thinking: There is not a single person in my generation, that I know personally, in a marriage made up of "real love...ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love" (to quote Carrie Bradshaw). Does it exist? I mean, I hate to sound like a cynic...but does it? I'm talking about "my husband and I are best friends, get chills every time we look into each others eyes, would rather argue with one another than love anyone else, won't go to bed angry, giggle like school children, put God and the other person before themselves, can't wait to see your face and feel the peace of our home after work, you know what I need even before I know I need it, I want to have your baby because our love can produce nothing short of wonderful...I want to grow old with YOU by my side" kinda love. Pleeeease...someone...tell me that it exists. Because that's what I want...it's what I pray for...it's what I deserve. In the meantime, I'll love myself like that so that I can provide the example of how I need to be loved...then Mr. Right (whoever he might end up being) can just follow suit.

Well, that about sums it up. All of the above events, and their relative thoughts...feelings...emotions, along with the ususal "day-to-days" are what rendered me blog disabled.

But, I'm back in the game...well rested and refreshed!!!

I Should Be 'Shamed...

2006-05-06T22:57:00.000-04:00

We are going into our 7th day of May and this is my first post for the month - someone slap my hand and sit me on the naughty stool!!!

While I may have been absent from Blogland...I have not been absent from life. Meaning, I have lots of thoughts running through my mind, feelings to share, prayers to request and stories to tell. (And by no means am I implying that Blogland isn't a HUGE part of my life.)

BUUUUUUT...

I worked an 8 hour shift at my part time job AND came home to help my best friend organize/cook/host/clean for a dinner party she had for her in-laws. Great food, good company...but I's tired boss...so I'm gonna get some rest and holla at y'all in the morning (I hope).

Now..that's my excuse for tonight. The days between 4/29 and 5/6? Charge it to my head and not my heart...cause Lord knows I have been jonesin'.

Until...

The "I" in Community

2006-04-29T06:19:00.000-04:00

I came home from my part-time job yesterday to a beautiful bouquet of pink roses...courtesy of my best friend. I will admit, that I have not been the easiest person to live with as of late and, unfortunately, she ends up "feeling my pain" the most. However, through it all she understands that I am going through a tough time right now (hence the roses to cheer me up) and has been exhibiting the patience of Job...and for that I am eternally grateful!

But who would have thought that a bouquet of roses would bring about such introspection...

There was a time in my life when I thought flowers were a waste. I thought: why spend money on something that is just going to shrivel up and die? My feelings changed once I was able to appreciate the beauty of the flower while it was living - its vibrant color and pleasant fragrance - and when I was introduced to preserving flowers so that I could continue to enjoy them...a long lasting reminder of a fond memory or kind gesture. It was the latter of those realizations that made me think...

What am I doing to ensure that my life - what I have done and stood for - will be preserved?

Now, I don't mean "preserving" my life like the fantastic Walt Disney myth/rumor/urban legend! I mean, what am I doing so that when I die, my life doesn't get tossed away like 95% of my bouquets of flowers do, but rather is one of the "chosen" bunches of flowers that is deemed beautiful enough to preserve? I arrive, finally, at the topic of today's post (it sure did have a big lead in...didn't it?)...

Where is the "I" in community? By the "I" I mean: me. By the "community" I mean: community service.

Growing up my mother stressed the importance of giving back...enforced it even. From the moment I was able to stand, I was volunteering in my community. Whether it was plating meals at Thanksgiving Dinners, packing toys for the Christmas Toy Drive or bagging groceries at the Food Bank...I was there to lend a helping hand. Now? Not so much...and that is just plain ol' unacceptable because my Momma taught me better than that!

To dismiss any confusion, I dare not suggest that I serve my community merely for selfish reasons. My sole reason for giving back would be to help those that are less fortunate than myself...to make someone's life better by my actions. But as a result of that - how beautiful it would be to, when I die, be remembered not just for being the life of the party or the one that always made you laugh...but as the one that gave of her time so that other's might eat, so that families would be sheltered, so that children would be clothed, so that injustice would be fought. Now THAT, to me, is self-preservation.

I also think, or know, that lately my life has been very "me" focused...MY feelings, MY finances, MY troubles...MY divorce (cry me a river Justin...I mean, really). I think it would do my soul and spirit a whole heap of good to put the "I" back into community. How ironic would it be if concentration on the lives of others led to clarificiation of my life's purpose? But, if not that, or anything else, it would be a constant reminder that: there but for the grace of God go I!

So...I must act! I must do some research on volunteer groups/organizations with which I can associate. Even if I begin by dedicating one Saturday a month...it is more than I am doing now. I want to make a difference. I want to be an active participant in making this world a better place. I want my life to be like my bouquet of pretty, pink roses...beautiful enough to be a part of the "chosen" bunch!

"If I can help somebody as I pass along.
If I can cheer somebody with a word or a song.
If I can show somebody that he's traveling wrong,
Then my living shall not be in vain."

Pride & Prejudice

2006-04-23T21:57:00.000-04:00

It finally happened. Although I'm not sure that I should even say "finally" because I don't think that the possibility of this happening has ever crossed my mind. But today, it came up the escalator and met me square in the eyes.

Today I ran into an aquaintance from college...and I was just starting my shift at my part-time, retail job.

I was on my way to an empty register to drop of items from other departments that had somehow found their way into mine. As soon as I reached the escalator...I saw her. For the sake of anonymity, I'll call her "Tall Girl." Although my steps probably stuttered and my heart was racing, I managed to make eye contact. I smiled and spoke...the conversation went something like this:

Tall Girl: "Heeeeey!"
Me: "Oh my goodness, hi...how are you?"
Tall Girl: "I'm fine how are you?"
Me: "Good, good...and you?"
Tall Girl: "I'm hanging in there. It's so good to see you!"
Me: Yeah, you too!
Tall Girl: Are you living in this area now?"
Me: "Yeah, I am."
Tall Girl: "Oh really where?"
Me: "I'm in Upper Marlboro. I just moved back a year ago. I was actually out in LA for a while. I had gotten married, but I'm in the midst of a divorce."
Tall Girl: "Really? How'd you like Cali?"
Me: "Girl...I hated it. I'm sorry, I know that's your home town."
Tall Girl: "Please...it's alright. You see I'm here right? I'm actually supposed to be moving over to this area in the fall."
Me: "Where are you living now?"
Tall Girl: "I'm in South West (that's an area in DC). But I'm over this way all the time."
Me: "So what else is going on?"
Tall Girl: "Nothing...just working. I really don't do too much of anything. So how long had you been married?"
Me: "Well, technically I'm still married. It will be three years in July."
Tall Girl: "Any kids?"
Me: "Nope, no kids."
Tall Girl: "Well, that's good. Makes it a bit easier"
Me: "Yeah...so I'm just working this part-time job...trying to bring in some extra cash."
Tall Girl: "I hear that...I was thinking about doing the same thing. Let me give you my number...we should get together sometime. Call me whenever you want to hang out."
Me: "Okay...that sounds good."

That was pretty much the gist of it. We exchanged numbers and email addresses, hugged and said our goodbyes. I let out a huge sigh of relief that the encounter was over. Not because of her, she wasn't the problem...it was actually really nice to see her. It was me. As silly as it may sound: I. was. embarrassed.

My pride got the best of me and at that moment I was ashamed to be working where I am. I felt foolish standing across from Tall Girl holding a handful of clothing and adorning a name tag on a lanyard hanging from my neck. The same Tall Girl with whom I had sat in classes and had graduated with honors. I was overcome by the humilation of not having a more impressive story to tell...of a flourishing career, successful relationship and/or sensational social life. I felt compelled to excuse my current employment by giving more information than she needed, or even cared to know, about my personal situation. At that moment I felt like all my life had amounted to being was what stood in front of her...a part-time, retail sales associate.

I tried to shake it off. Tried to hold my head high and go about the rest of my day. But then my best friend, that I live with and who is also working part-time at the same retail establishment, came over to my department and I told her that I ran into Tall Girl. She didn't remember her, but she chuckled and said something along the lines of: "Humph...I bet she's thinking 'what a great life you've made for yourself!'" And although my friend said this in jest, the feeling came back. I stuttered a response to say that it wasn't like that...that she hadn't made me feel any less than. She hadn't...not in the least bit. I felt the way I did because of my foolish pride and the realization of my own ugly prejudices.

Truth be told, I don't really know what this aquaintance was thinking of me, but I'm assuming the best. What I do know, however, is had the shoe been on the other foot...if I had been Tall Girl...I would have definitely been wondering: Why is she working retail? We graduated Howard together...what happened to her? I would have thought this because I would have judged her situation, only knowing of her college life and absolutely NOTHING of what had brought her to this point. Not that working retail is the worse thing in the world but let's face it, the industry is primarily made up of high school/college students and retirees.

I guess it showed on my face because later my friend came back to my department to ask if what she had said hurt my feelings. I told her it didn't hurt my feelings because I had thought the same thing and that this isn't a life that I would have wanted for myself. My friend tried to console me by saying that she was just joking and that she wouldn't think that about me. My response to her was: but you said it, so you were thinking it. And the sad part is, so was I. But I won't any more...I am ridding myself of that prejudice that I never realized I had. I will try to no longer assume anything and if presented with a situation such as this...if I were to see someone from college doing something that I wouldn't have expected...I will say a prayer. My prayer will be that if this is what they want to do, that it will bring them unsurmountable joy; and if it is not what they want to be doing, that they be blessed with an opportunity of a lifetime!

Understanding that I have a steep "self-restoration" hill to climb, I knew that I couldn't let this incident and my feelings break my spirit. I had to put things in perspective. I reminded myself that I am "taking care of business" and doing what I need to do to better my current situation. That I am not settling for this part-time job, but am actively trying to find full time employment. That I should revel in my sound work ethic and my ability to maintain some aspect of responsibility despite my current circumstances.

Although at times it is hard to say and believe - especially on days like today - I have NOTHING to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I have just hit a rough patch in my life, but it's just for a moment...because "trouble don't last always." And I'm so glad about that!

My Reality Checked

2006-04-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water....

So, I feel like I'm doing really well with moving onward and upward. And in all honesty, I really have to give myself credit because I'm doing a pretty kick ass job. But today, I was backslapped in the face with the reality of what is my still a part of my life at the moment...I. Am. Still. Angry.

I had to go by my old apartment today (the one that my soon-to-be-ex-husband still lives in) to pick up a couple of things of mine that I needed. Since the apartment technically still is mine too, I have left the majority of my things there instead of paying for storage...I refuse to add that expense to my list until absolutely necessary. When I go to the apartment, I try to be as quick as I possibly can...get in and get out so that I don't risk the chance of running into my soon-to...well, you know. But, I always take a minute to do a once over of the place just to make sure that what is supposed to be there still is (I don't fear that he would ever be evil enough to damage my property...but hey, you just never know).

Okay...now we're getting to the good part...

During my "inventory" I noticed something missing...but it wasn't anything of mine exactly. It was condoms...approximately three if my memory serves me correctly. Then I started to notice other things...like: the apartment was relatively clean (based on my last three or four visits, you would have thought a serial killer lived there) and there was a new candle on the dresser...that had been lit! * Blink, blink.........blink* Huh???

You would think that this would be the cause of the anger that I mentioned earlier...but it's not. Do I care that he might be having sex on the bed/mattress that is going with me when I find a new place? HELL YES...I have no idea who she is, where she's been or what she has. However, do I care that he is having sex? ABSOLUTELY NOT! In all actuality, his having sex (which is still considered adultery since we are not officially divorced) could speed up the process of us going our separate ways if, and that's a BIG IF, he was willing to admit to it. Ummmm....yeah....about that...

Anyway, I run a few more errands and head back home...my current home that is. I noticed, from the caller ID, that he has called but didn't leave a message. This is weird because we strictly communicate via text message and email...the less face-to-face encounters, the less drama. I check my email and I have a message from him regarding a financial obligation that he's supposed to be tending to...but that's a WHOLE other story. His email calls for me to respond...which I do.

But you KNOW I had to put a little sumthin' on it...

I mention the "disappearing act" to him and tell him that I'm cool if that's what he has chosen to do and that we can have this marriage dissolved a lot quicker if he would be willing to admit to what he had done (requirement of the court). I really meant that...and I wasn't mean, I wasn't nasty, I didn't give attitude. I know that some might view this as me not being "okay" with it, or still "having feelings for him," or not being "over" the situation...but it is nothing like that at all...TRUST ME! I just thought I would throw it against the wall to see if it would stick...see if he would suprise me and admit it so that I could collect my Get Out of Jail Free card.

ANGER ENTERS STAGE LEFT...

Why, oh why, did I give him the benefit of the doubt? Why did I think that I would get anything different than what I've gotten before? Why did I think that this second (and final) round of separation would cause him to grow up?

My email prompted an email back from him and he lied...as usual. Was childish...as usual. Put it back on me...as usual. Played the victim...as usual.

Pushed my buttons...AS USUAL!

THAT is what makes me angry...I still let his foolishness get to me. I still feel like I have to defend myself and state what we BOTH know is true about the kind of person I am and the kind of wife I was to him. I still let his little "shots" frustrate me. So much so that I went back and forth with him...at least three rounds of emails...and I knew that was EXACTLY what he wanted me to do!!!

The following things I know for sure:

1. I am no longer in love with this man...I don't even love him. I like him okay, but that's even questionable at times.
2. I no longer owe him ANYTHING...well, maybe I'll rephrase that to "VERY MUCH" because we still have some joint obligations that I will not turn my back on.
3. I am not dealing with the most rational, considerate, objective or mature individual.
4. He is very much aware of how to vex me...and he will do so any chance he can get.
5. It only sets me back on my journey when I fall into his traps and get worked up over nonsense.

Soooooo...if I am certain of all of the above, then why do I sill do it? Why am I so angry? Why do I still want to fight? Why do I allow him get to me? Part of me thinks that I cannot stand to think that people have misunderstood me (even though I know full well he doesn't really believe the things he says...but I feel there is always that possibility that he could). The other part of me thinks that I just want revenge. I want pay backs. I want to make him feel as bad as he has made me feel.

Regardless of why I do it, the bottom line is that I need to let go of this anger...this desire to avenge. But when you love as hard and as deeply as I do...when you put your needs second to the needs of another...when you strive each day to make someone else's life easier and more enjoyable...when you do these things and more, and that someone proves to be undeserving, unappreciative and totally oblivious...you feel cheated.

I was cheated. And I don't say that in a "woe is me" kinda way, but a "matter-of-fact" kinda way. I was cheated and that, be it justified or not...whether it makes sense or not, makes me angry.

Reality? Check!

WTF???

2006-04-16T00:08:00.001-04:00

Okay...I might just be suffering from exhaustion and an aimlessly wandering mind...

BUT...

Does anyone have a clue as to what the image is on my banner? Is it leaves? Is it fruit of some sort? I haven't a clue. Since I began this blog to chronicle my journey back to all things joyful and peaceful, I picked this template primarily because of its soothing and calming colors...not for the image per se.

Every time I log onto my site, I wonder. So I just thought I would ask. And, since I'm not in the position to offer a cash prize, kudos to the most creative response (or the most accurate)!

Clearly it's time for me to go to bed...LOL!

"Hoppy Easter"

2006-04-14T12:10:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I'm corny...so what? Although I, like many of you I'm sure, have never understood why we have the Easter bunny rather than the Easter chicken (or some other animal that actually does lay eggs).

Just one of those things that makes you go, hmmmmm (right, MzNewAgenda? See post from 4/7/06)

I also realize that I am two days early with my well wishes, but I don't know what my weekend is going to look like...so I wanted to make sure I did wish you all well. Better early, than not at all!

Don't you just love Easter? I do. The implication of spring and warm weather. The endless array of beautiful pastel colors. Speckled Malted Robin Eggs (my absolute favorite Easter candy). Dying eggs (doesn't the smell of vinegar always remind you of Easter?). Little girls in their pretty Easter dresses...ruffled arms, ruffled socks and white patent leather shoes (that are guaranteed to have atleast one black scuff mark on them by the end of church). Easter "pieces." The remembrance of the Resurrection and all that it means and affords us...most importantly, new life.

New. Life. *sigh* Imagine that...

No wonder I love Easter...it stands for EXACTLY what I am in need of...a rebirth. Isn't it awesome when things click? I'm on my way folks...I'm on my way!

Happy Easter everyone!!!

I Owe LA An Apology

2006-04-11T23:20:00.000-04:00

From commercials, to television shows and movies...lately, I am constantly being reminded of Los Angeles. What has come as a HUGE surprise to me is that these reminders have been leaving me feeling quite melancholy and, something that I hate to ever feel, regretful.

If you were to ask most of my close friends and family, they would tell you that I hated Los Angeles. And, they have perfectly good reason to say that because that's exactly what I told them...every chance that I could get. I told them how miserable I was...how much I wanted to leave...how stupid I was for moving there. But as time drew closer for me to head back East, I began to realize that it wasn't really Los Angeles that I hated...it was the life that I had there that was the problem.

I had forgotten that I had this revelation until a couple days ago when it dawned on me that: I...miss...Los Angeles!

I spent four years in the City of Angels after moving there to be with my soon-to-be-ex-husband under the condition, and agreement, that we wouldn't be there for more than two years. Therein lies the problem! I moved there already ready to leave, so I never really gave it the chance that it deserved. And once my relationship/marriage started to go south, FUGETTABOUTIT! You couldn't have paid me a million bucks to say anything nice about that place. BUT, if I am honest, the truth of the matter was (and is) there were many wonderful things that I experienced in Los Angeles:

Sunny and mild weather almost every day of the year. Having a tan all year round. Driving down Pacific Coast Highway (PCH to the natives) with the wind whipping through my hair and not a care in the world other than chosing which restaurant at which to have brunch. Window shopping on Rodeo Drive. Watching the sunset from the Hollywood Hills. Chicken & waffles at Roscoes on Pico (cause the one in Hollywood is no bigger than my closet). Early afternoon beers & burgers on outdoor patios at the Hermosa Beach pier. Shopping at the Beverly Center or the Grove and running into people that you see each week on TV. Farmers markets...oh how I love them! Falling in love with watching baseball live at Dodgers Stadium (I'm all about the Dodger Dogs). Authentic Mexican food and "scratch" margaritas. Outdoor concert venues (for fans, imagine seeing Brian McKnight in concert under a star filled sky). "Girl's Night In" with cases of "Two Buck Chuck" ($1.99 Charles Shaw wine sold at Trader Joe's...don't knock it 'til you try it!). Being within short driving distance of the most magical place on earth...Disneyland. Burke Williams spas...even the water is yummy! People watching (or rather, "weirdo" watching) on Venice Beach. Weekend trips to Santa Barbara and San Diego. Martini's and tapas overlooking the Santa Monica pier. The Third Street Promenade...one the the biggest outdoor "shopping malls." The pulse of our communities...Inglewood, So. Central, Compton (they're not AS scary as some make them out to be...atleast not during the daytime...lol). The spirit of entertaining...everybody throws soirees, has get togethers and cookouts...life is one big party! The easy, laid back vibe of the entire city...where ponytails, sunglasses, tanks, capris and flip flops were acceptable attire for almost any occasion (aside from anything "industry" related).

I made a lot of great friends in LA. Growing up, many of my friends happened to be white...so I was used to hanging with people who didn't look like me. However, I never would have thought that I would ever chill as hard as I did with people from as many different cultures as I did when I was in LA...Vietnamese, Chinese, Mexican, Filipino, Guatemalan. I learned so much from each and every one of them. Unfortunately the reality is that some of them I will never see again, however a good number of them will be friends of mine for life.

I let so much of this "goodness" go on around me without taking the time to appreciate it all. I was so caught up in my personal nightmare that I sleepwalked my way through the whole experience of living in Los Angeles and gave it reviews that would make even Ebert & Roper wince!

What saddens me more is that even with all of the great things that I can now admit to, there were still things that I didn't experience during my four years on "the Left." I didn't go to the wine country. I never drove down to Mexico. I never went skiing in Big Bear (or tried skiing). I never went to a taping of any of my favorite TV shows...and I'm sure there's more, but if I force myself to think about them all it will make me even more depressed than I already am.

When I hopped in my car and started my drive back to the East Coast, I thought I would never look back. Never again look over my shoulder and see the Hollywood sign. Now, just shy of a year later, I can't wait to get back. Not to live...I don't know if I'm ready to do that again just yet...but to visit. Visit with a new outlook and appreciation. With a new spirit and a happier heart. To view the city with an unbiased eye.

Los Angeles didn't do anything wrong to me...someone IN Los Angeles did. Los Angeles was very good to me...gave me love...welcomed me with open arms and sent me back home with a lot of great memories. So, I must apologize.

I am sorry that I never gave it the fair chance that it deserved. I am sorry that I left without experiencing all it has to offer. I am sorry that I spent the majority of my time there too angry to stop and recognize its beauty.

I just hope that I can be forgiven and that I am still welcome...because I would love to give it another chance!

I Wonder If She Really Knows: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

2006-04-09T18:10:00.000-04:00

"I wonder, I wonder if you really knew
That I see God in you
And I wonder if you can see
How much you mean to me
I know you cannot read my mind
But I hope you feel the vibe
I think it's time I let you know that
I see the God in you"

India.Arie
"I See God In You"

Usually, I would relate this song to a love interest. And I guess you can say that, in a way, I am. Today is my Mom's 60th birthday...30 years ago, she became my very first best friend...and the very first love of my life.

There aren't many people in this world that I would die for. This is the truth and is not meant to discredit the relationships I have with, or the love that I have for, any of my family, friends or loved ones. However, I say with all that I have within me, that I would give my life to save the life of my Mother.

My Mother is a living angel...I am certain of it. She gave me life. She went without so I did not. She isn't just a teacher of what is right, but is also the ultimate example. She was (and still is) dedicated to her children and, at a time when the men in her life proved to be otherwise, worked three jobs when most others would have given up. She gave back to her community and made us do the same. The life that she lives, her sweet spirit and kind soul are what make it impossible for me to name a single soul that has a bad thing to say about her...and I say that with no exaggeration.

Had it not been for what I experienced as a young girl, I might take my mother's birthday - and birthday's in general - very lightly. But it was that summer evening in 1986 when I almost lost my Mother to respiratory arrest in the parking lot of our local grocery store that made me realize that the celebration of another year of life is just that...a celebration of yet another one of God's blessings! The doctor's said that she shouldn't have made it, but I thank God that she did!

I will not lie and tell you that there was never a moment in my life when I didn't like my mother...I was a teenager, remember? A time when I didn't think she understood me or knew what she was talking about. A time when I probably thought that my life would be better without her as my mother. But for every one of those thoughts, she provided me with a million and one things to negate my nonsensical thinking.

All that one might label as "good" in me, came from her. I cannot take credit for even one of my positive traits or characteristics. Sure, I have had to learn plenty of personal lessons...I have had to make decisions and choices of my own...I have had to experience life for myself, especially once I became an adult. But at the core of every life experience, every decision or choice, was a characteristic or lesson that I learned from my Mother.

She taught faith when she introduced me to God.
She taught forgiveness when she took care of my father, her once abuser, on his death bed.
She taught charity when she worked Toy Drives not knowing how she was going put gifts under the tree for her own children.
She taught honesty when she gave me a straight answer for every question that I asked.
She taught hope each night she prayed for a better life for herself and her children.
She taught accountability every time she admitted to her faults and mistakes.
She taught gratitude each time she showed thanks for what she had been given.
She taught patience through her work with children.
She taught love with every hug and kiss.
She taught discipline each time she "administered" punishment.
She taught perserverance with each burden she had to bear.
She taught strength by overcoming physical challenges.
She taught integrity each time she refused to meet ignorance with ignorance.
She taught peace with welcoming the sounds of silence.
She taught objectivity whenever she challenged me to consider a different way.
She taught flexiblity in her acceptance when things didn't go as planned.

The list is endless.

For all of the above, and so much more, I pay tribute to and honor my Mother's life. I am thankful that, on April 9, 1946, God manifested Himself in the woman that I call "Mother." It is by His grace that I Journey Back to Joy with one of the best and most qualified counselors by my side.

I know that He is...because I see Him in her every time I look into her eyes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

I love you with all of my heart and thank you...for everything!

Wish Me Luck

2006-04-05T22:28:00.000-04:00

Although I have never seen the show "A Chorus Line" I do know some of the music...and "I Need This Job" keeps playing over and over in my head.

I am so ready to get back to work! This unemployment, without being independently wealthy, bit is getting a bit T-I-R-E-D!!! This whole "no job" situation truly has humbled me in more ways than one. It has taught me a valuable lesson...the lesson of spending with discretion and that, although I don't overspend, there are some things that I can do without in order to save more. It has also opened my eyes to just how hard finding a job can be. Until now, getting interviews came VERY easy to me. Until now, I had never interviewed for a job and not gotten an offer.

But I am hoping that my luck of late (or lack of luck) has changed. I have my first interview in quite some time, with a staffing agency that handles a number of opportunites that are of real interest to me tomorrow. It is my prayer that something will come of this. My hunt for employment has been difficult enough without adding college gradutes into the mix. Graduation is right around the corner and if I don't find something within the next couple of weeks, I'm afraid I might be screwed with all of the cheap and eager labor that is soon going to be flooding the lobbies of every company in the Washington DC metro area!

So...that being said, I need all of the good luck, well wishes, prayers, chants, magic, etc. that you can muster up. Whatever you got...I'll take (just no voodoo please...lol). Although I always get lost in blog world until the wee hours of the night (or morning rather), I'm going to try to call it a night at a decent hour tonight. Even though my interview isn't until late afternoon, I want to start my day off right...and a good night's sleep can make all of the difference in the world.

I'll keep you posted...

"You're Fired" & "I'm Tired"

2006-04-04T00:06:00.000-04:00

Oh...my....goodness!!!

Who would have ever guessed that two episodes of "The Apprentice" would cause such disharmony between best friends!

For those of you who don't watch/didn't see tonight's episode, a previous subject matter resurfaced: observation of the Jewish holiday. Both for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, one or more of the contestants were unable to participate in the challenge due to the observance of these "high holidays." This began, as I assume it did for many viewers, a "discussion" of whether or not these individuals that were members of the losing team should be brought into the board room to risk being fired just because they chose to acknowledge and observe their religion/holiday rather than...work, essentially.

My best friend felt they should be subject to scrutiny and/or termination - that it was their choice to observe the holiday...so they should just deal with whatever comes as a result of that. She stated that there was no law saying that you had to obeserve the holiday and that the individuals weren't going to go to hell if they didn't go to synagouge. (Of course they won't because they don't believe in "hell" per se...but that's a whole other subject)

I, however, strongly disagree. I believe that it is immoral and unethical to persecute someone because of their religious beliefs and/or practices. I also believe, and failed miserably at getting my friend to truly understand, that what some might view as a "choice" others view as a "way of life" - unwavering and uncompromising. So...if they are not seeing their religious beliefs/practices as a "choice" - who is anyone to stand in judgement of that?

To have "feelings" regarding their religious decision is one thing. To "judge" them based on their religious decision is something TOTALLY different.

This diatribe, of sorts, lasted for about an hour. Voices were raised, sentences were cut off and drowned out by the other person's point that had to be made. It was heated, it was passionate...it was everything that causes companies to enforce the "unwritten" rule of refraining from any and all discussion regarding religion.

Eventually I just gave in...mostly because I was tired of the whole thing, but also because I realized that it was my fault that the discussion traveled the path that it did. See, this was not the first time that we have had conversation about religion and/or spirituality. This was, though, the first time that it has been as intense as it was. I say that it was my fault because I made, what I consider to be very serious, assumptions about my best friend (that has been such since our freshman year in college).

I assumed that she was a Christian.
I assumed that she was raised in the church.
I assumed that she was God fearing.
I assumed that she had a personal relationship with God.
I assumed that she had faith.
I assumed that she believed God created, planned and orchestrated our lives.
I assumed that she prayed and believed in the power of prayer.
I assumed that she believed that God has a purpose for our lives.
I assumed that she believed in the Bible (regardless of the various intepretations).
I assumed that she held religion/spirituality in very high regard.
I assumed that she had respect for religious institution and practices.

I assumed A LOT! Now I say this as a DISCLAIMER: I am in NO WAY saying that the assumptions listed above are totally false. She made a great point last night when she asked why I would assume anything about her spiritual life since we never worshiped together, prayed together, etc. Although they don't take the place of a heart-to-heart conversation, I made my assumptions based on little things she has mentioned/things I noticed throughout the years: she is Baptist, she went to a Christian school, her family goes to church, she prays, she owns a Bible, she listens to some gospel music, she got married in a church, her Mom sends her pages from the "Daily Bread", she recognized that couples that worship/pray together have strong relationships, she's talked about going to church...stuff like that.

I guess because of all that, I didn't see any need to ask any type of direct questions regarding the matter. Partly because I thought I already had the answers and partly because, in actuality, it doesn't really matter what she believes. What she believes and what I believe don't have to be the same thing...not only in religion, but in any aspect in life. This, however, does not take way the fact that it was quite alarming to discover that there were things that I didn't know about my best friend of 12 years, as well as assumptions that I made that might not be 100% accurate.

Case in point: She mentioned that she realized that religion is a very sensitive subject for me and that when we discuss it I get rather...well...sensitive. I had no idea that she hadn't realized how much religion and spirituality meant to me. And this entire post is on what I didn't realize about her...or rather, my assumptions of her.

What I also don't think she has noticed is her apathy towards religion/spirituality...the snide comments about organized religion, her indifference towards my spiritual opinions and growth, her distrust in spiritual servants, her disbelief in divination, her incessant challeging of what other's believe. This is slightly upsetting and disappointing to me - especially because it usually manifests itself due to something that I have said, done or watched.

Although I can respect her feelings and beliefs (while at the same time disagreeing), it sure would be nice to have your best friend on the same spiritual/religious accord with you when you are going through a valley. Of course it is possible, as it is very much so in our friendship, for one to receive support and love and kindess and concern from a friend regardless of religious orientation. But I guess that part of my Journey Back to Joy includes reconnecting with my spiritual self...and I would like to feel comfortable sharing that with my best friend and vice versa.

Throughout the discussion, my friend said some things that really made my skin crawl...made me want to get up and leave the room. But I didn't...because come hell (no pun intended) or high water...she is my VERY BEST FRIEND and I love her dearly. I would trust her with my life and what we DO have in common far outweighs what we DON'T. This has just been a learning process encompassing a very touchy subject...but I will not (nor do I believe will she) allow this to change/damage our friendship.

What is funny is that you might think, based on this post, that I was a Bible-totin', Scripture-quotin' kinda gal...but I'm not a religious fanatic. I do, however, have a very strong and personal relationship with God. That is a very important part of my life. I don't go to church every Sunday, but I acknowledge God every day. It is not something that I take lightly. It is something to which I show great reverence.

For me, it is not a "choice" - I have read books, I have debated, I have researched, I have considered, I have listened, I have witnessed, I have learned, I have questioned - and at the end of the day I stand firm in what I believe...

...unwavering and uncompromising.

* An Aside: Donald Trump is a very saavy business man...I kinda wonder whether or not he scheduled his show around these holidays on purpose...to shake it up a bit and force people to take a side. Since he firmly believes that one should be allowed to observe religious holidays without penalty (his right-hand-man George was even absent these days for cryin' out loud), he could have very easily filmed before or after this holiday season...or even gave everyone the day off. The whole thing was so blatant that now I'm thinking that this could NOT have been an accident! Things that make you go: hmmmmmmmmmmm...

A Hug, Please

2006-04-01T11:34:00.000-05:00

HUG: (H)eartfelt, (U)niversal, (G)esture.

I don't know exactly what it is...but there is nothing like a warm embrace. Positive and electrifying energy being transfered from one being to another. I'm a big hugger...I always have been...I believe they are healing.

Hugs don't have limbs, yet they can carry you through life's valleys. Hugs carry no currency, yet they can sometimes ease the burden of waning finances. Hugs are not porous, yet they have the ability to dry the weepiest of eyes. Hugs don't have a voice, yet they speak words of understanding, encouragement, strength...and love.

It has been a rough morning for me, and I am in need of a hug.

* An I-didn't-have-to-ask-you-just-knew kind of hug...
* An I-won't-let-you-go-until-you-tell-me-to kind of hug...
* An I-want-to-take-away-the-pain kind of hug...
* An I-didn't-know-how-much-I-needed-this-until-you-
wrapped-your-arms-around-me kind of hug...
* A Don't-be-afraid-to-let-it-all-out kind of hug...
* An In-case-this-is-the-last-time-we-see-each-other kind of hug...
* A Let-me-be-your-soft-place-to-land kind of hug...
* An I-may-not-know-what-to-say-but-I-want-you-to-know-
that-I'm-here kind of hug...
* An I-NEED-YOU-TO-SURVIVE kind of hug...

I need THAT kind of hug...today...right now.

"A silent hug means a thousand words to the unhappy heart." I'm not sure to whom I should credit this quote, but I will say that he/she summed up the way I feel in 11 simple words. It's not always about speaking the "right words" or inscribing the "perfect message." At the point that someone needs the kind of hug like I do today, there are no words...there is no message. Your ears do not have the ability to hear what is needed to take away the pain...the frustration...the confusion...the disappointment...the deperation...the sadness.

I realize that many of us have a "thing" about personal space, but that's not what I am referring to. I'm talking about an exchange between friends...family...loved ones...lovers. So many people shy away from the human touch...never allowing themselves to feel its power, its energy, its healing and calming effect. It saddens me when I see people who can't give hugs because that makes me wonder if they ever got them.

If someone you know and/or love needs a hug, give it. If you are in need of a hug from someone you know and/or love, accept it.

It has been a rough morning for me, and I am in need of a hug...

Ah-CHOO

2006-03-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

It has finally happened...I'm sick. I was fine all day yesterday until I came in from working my part time job. As I was typing my last post, I started to feel really bad but I tried to ignore it away. NOT HAPPENING!!!

My eyes are watering, my nose is runny, my throat is scratchy, I'm sneezing every five minutes and now I just started coughing. BUM-MER!

I'm kinda thinking that it's just my allergies, in which case it should pass over rather quickly. BUT...before I left for NY my best friend was in bed sick for five days. When I got to NY, my oldest nephew was severely congested and coughing all over the place. After I left NY my Mom started feeling bad so she had her doctor call in a prescription for antibiotics (she has severe respiratory problems so she has to nip illness in the bud). NOW...worse of all, my one month old nephew was admitted into the hospital tonight because he had started coughing and sneezing with congestion right before my Mom left to come here and it hasn't gotten any better. Can you imagine? His little lungs are probably no bigger than lima beans!!! I'm not going to worry though...he's in good hands now and getting all the meds he needs. I'm just glad my sister followed her instincts and took him to the ER.

I say all that to say that I have no idea how I got this thing or who's the culprit or just how bad it's gonna get. I just know that I feel lousy. Lousy enough to have taken the "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so I can rest" medicine (I'm so not a medicine person). I cannot afford to get sick any way you look at it...so y'all cross your fingers/say a prayer/hope for the best for me and a speedy recovery.

Just wanted to jump on here and post a little sumthin' sumthin' before I got all loopy...and that should be happening right about.............................NOW!

Night-Night!

I Don't Care...I Looove This Song!

2006-03-25T23:13:00.000-05:00

I'm posting these lyrics for those of you who may not know of Maroon 5 (if you don't know, I recommend finding out), and for those of you who may know the band...but have just never paid attention to this particular song:

Sunday Morning

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning

~ Maroon 5

It's not like this is a new song, new album or new group...all of the above (or beside) have been out for a minute. So I'm not sure why this song still affects me the way that it does.

It could be because I cannot think of anything more seductive, soothing or sensual than a rainy Sunday morning. Or...it could be that I long to have someone view me as their light in the midst of darkness. Or...it could be that the "break it down" at the very end of the song (I don't know the exact term when the lyrics stop and the band gets to do their thing) makes me think that Maroon 5 has sat up in somebody's Baptist church. Or...it could be that I just think they are super talented. Regardless of what the reason(s) is/are...

I. Love. This. Song.

I did quite a bit of driving today...to the airport to pick up my Mom...into the heart of DC for lunch...back to the house...then to work and back. No lie...I must have listened to this song 15 times! The last note couldn't even be played before I was pressing repeat.

And not only did I listen to it over and over and over again...but it was L-O-U-D...very loud. And I sang along...H-A-R-D...like I was Maroon #6! And I played air drums...yup, I sure did...and I'm not 'shamed to admit it :o) At red lights, I pumped my brakes to the beat. I was in my own world...

There was a second that I paused to consider what my fellow motorist/passengers must be thinking. I imagine that I had to be a sight to see. A young, Black, woman rockin' out and playing air drums smack dab in the middle of CHOCOLATE CITY!!! It even tickles me when I think about it. But this second was only a fleeting one because, truly, I didn't care what they thought. I felt good and was having fun...and that's all that matters! But if I made someone smile or someone realize that they need to loosen up and enjoy life a bit more...well, then THAT matters.

I discovered, many years ago, that "music makes me high" just like The Lost Boyz :o) I have a great deal of respect, appreciation and admiration for music, as well as musicians. And it doesn't matter the genre...I just love good music...music that moves me...that stirs my soul and awakens each and every one of my five senses.

This song does that for me...so I wanted to share it with you and encourage you to dance to the beat of your own drum...or someone else's if you like (I personally recommend Maroon 5...among others). It doesn't really matter...just DANCE!

Longing for a rainy Sunday morning....

This Is The Day

2006-03-24T23:23:00.000-05:00

"...that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalms 118:24)

Please feel free to substitute "Lord" for whatever higher power in which you believe, as I respect all religions and other's choice of faith. Me? I submit to Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and Savior.

I do not intend to post a sermon tonight...nor am I going to preach to you. I began my post as such because today, especially, I remembered that no matter what I might be going through it could always be worse. And it is...for so many people. I went to bed last night with today not being promised to me. I am thankful, and blessed, to have been witness to this day!

I worked my part time job today and while on break a co-worker shared some very unfortunate news. Her otherwise healthy and happy niece of 30 very young years had died (I'm 30 myself, so this hit home for me somthing serious). No suffering with a long, drawn out illness. No years of known depression that led to an untimely, yet not surprising, suicide. No abusive boyfriend/husband that "finally" made good on a promise of taking her life. None of these circumstances pertains to my co-worker's niece. Her symptom...a headache!

Because of personal experience with a friend of mine, in my mind I'm thinking "brain aneurysm." But even though I was able to come up with my own diagnosis (and it is just MY opinion...the cause of death has not been determined), this did not remove any of the overwhelming sadness I felt for this young woman and her family. How tragic that in the time it takes for you to blink your eyes...your life could be over!

My best friend has age issues. She's not comfortable talking about her age. I mention this because we both turned 30 not too long ago and I tried to convince her that this life event was a blessing. I told her that we should be thankful that we have lived to see another year. I told her that I carry no shame with turning 30 because if I wasn't turning 30 that would mean that I was dead. I meant it when I said that to her, but it wasn't until today that I realized just HOW MUCH I meant it.

I was challenged even further to consider life when my sister (the one in Virginia, not NY...circa the post prior to this) called to tell me her doctor found a growth at the base of her brain near the pituitary gland (I'm not implying that this is deadly, but it just causes you to ponder). They found this growth in some X-rays that were taken after a very minor car accident a couple weeks ago - the two being totally unrelated. She has to have an MRI done on Monday that will provide us with more information. I was told by my friend that if it is a pituitary tumor - they are usually benign, which is good. God forbid it is something else, I pray that this fender bender was a blessing in disguise and that this is an early detection of a "something else" that is treatable.

It's funny...just this morning I was chatting with my best friend and I told her that I didn't want to toot my own horn, but that I was impressed with how well I am handling my life situations as I sometimes feel like they warrant a nervous breakdown. I actually said to her, and it just dawned on me now, that what helps prevent my having a nervous breakdown (no matter how deserved it might be) is that even though I think I have it bad (not saying that my "bad" is insignificant), someone else has it worse. I literally said that this morning and it gives me chills to know that God chose to cosign this life lesson for me today...mysterious ways I tell you!

I am thankful for my life...it is perfect in all of its imperfection.

Admitting that at times I do forget, I will remember to pray tonight. My prayer will be one of thanksgiving and for comfort...comfort for she who is bereaved...and she who is beloved.

Blessings!

Everyone Has a Breaking Point

2006-03-23T00:42:00.000-05:00

I am back from NY y'all. Actually, I've been back since late Monday night. I wasn't supposed to be coming back to Maryland until today (well, yesterday...since I'm posting this well past midnight), but plans changed...DRASTICALLY, as well as DRAMATICALLY. While in NY on my visit, it was made crystal clear to me that be it friend, foe or family...everyone has a breaking point. Because my breaking point came without a conscious warning, I needed a couple of days to recover before I even thought about posting...."anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

For the sake of brevity, I am the youngest of four girls (this has briefly been touched on previously and will be mentioned again, I'm sure, with a more detailed explanation). Although I am the baby of the family, at 30 years old I am almost certain that I am no longer a "baby." My sister, whom I was visiting, has some difficulty remembering this. What's worse is that up until this weekend I, in her prescence, would actually revert to being a child - enabling her tyranny! I had become so accustomed to her "get that, do this, come here, go there, give me, take that, you should, you better, why didn't you" that I forgot that I was not a bear, I was not wearing a party hat and I damn sure wasn't riding a unicycle!

Keep in mind folks, that this is not my oldest sister...this isn't even my second-to-oldest sister...this is the sister that is only 5 years older than me!!!

But it doesn't end there...on top of her bossiness, she suffers from anxiety, extreme moodiness, post-partum depression and, in my opinion, has a slight case of OCD. So she is bossing me around with a nasty attitude and scowled face as she follows behind me writing my initials on the cap of my bottled water! Now, because of all of her many issues, I have always gone to her house walking on egg shells...wondering if I'm saying the right thing, sitting the right way, doing things correctly, saying something stupid...you get the idea. And to make sure that I don't upset her, every request that she made of me would be done immediately. So why she is so combative, nasty, crass and rude to me is BEYOND me!

From what I can recall, I let about four incidents slide off my back this weekend...but when she got to her fifth and most ridiculous...it was time to go. And what an exit it was!

My mother, bless her heart, hates to see her daughters at odds. But she also understands the aforementioned situation, and couldn't blame me for wanting to leave. However, she was torn...she loves both of her daughters, hadn't seen either of us in some time and didn't want to have to give up one for the other. Since I seemed to be the most distraught (I had a break down for real y'all), she wanted to leave with me but I wouldn't let her. One, because she was there to spend time with her new grandson and I didn't want to cut that time short. Two, because my sister had already purchased a plane ticket for her to fly home this coming weekend and no one has money to just throw down the drain. And Three, I just needed to be alone. So picture me in tears trying to grab my bags and explain my feelings/vent to my mother. My mom is crying trying to keep me from leaving in the state that I was in. And my sister is coming in and out of the room, on the defensive, saying her "peace" (and I use that word VERY lightly) and not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. It was ugly...BEYOND ugly...especially since my 5 year old nephew had be witness to this madness.

Without the play-by-play, I know this might seem very trival. However, this wasn't the first time that my sister has worn me out with orders, treated & talked to me like I was her 5 year old, been rude & nasty and then became irrationally defensive when called out. This is a sister who, after I had been living across country for years and had traveled 3000 miles for a visit, offended me and when I threatened to leave stated, "Leave...no one asked you to come here anyway." Are you serious? I don't know how, but THAT time my mother was able to convince me to stay. This time, however, was a COMPLETELY different story.

My mother likes to remind me that "she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings." I don't buy that. I used to, until I witnessed her being sweet as pie to extended family, her friends and co-workers. I realize, especially with the post-partum, that in order to do this she may have to exert extra energy...but if there is anyone who deserves that extra energy...it's the immediate family who was there for her through thick and thin...day and night...for ups and downs. I think priorities are a bit out of whack when you wish that your family would treat you the same way they do strangers.

So there I was in lounge clothes, hungry and pissed off at 6:30 PM (in the mddle of "Cash Cab"...more on that later, I promise) hopping in my car to head back to the "urea."

Surprisingly, though, I was not hurt over the arguement with my sister. I was not hurt that I told her that she would never see me again. I was hurt that I had to leave my mother and nephews like I did. But, I know that I am learning how to "take care of me" because no matter how hurt I was...I wasn't going to stay there and take that kind of abuse...not for my nephews...not even for my mother. Not this time....Not ever again! Visiting family is supposed to be a peaceful experience...a soft place to land. And I'm even tolerant of a few spats here and there. But the second it becomes a war zone, I'm OUTRO!

The sad part about this thing, too, is that I'm going through my own valley right now. Although it is much needed, I'm going through a divorce AND I made sacrafices for that trip to NY that my family will never understand since they have no idea that I'm not working full time and that I'm working retail part time to make ends - not even "meet" - but come a bit closer. I haven't shared any of what I'm feeling or going through with them - one, because I don't really want to hear their criticism/opinions and two, because I don't want to burden them...this is my cross to bear. But no matter how thoughtful and reactive I am to others...I still get dumped on.

I haven't heard from my sister...and that's fine, because I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I don't know when I will be ready to talk to her, and I'm not rushing myself. I love my sister, but she has hurt me...repeatedly. I love spending time with family, but visiting her home is extremely stressful. I am on my Journey Back To Joy...and I refuse to take any detours...be it friend, foe or family...everyone has a breaking point!

I Am In Love

2006-03-20T10:07:00.000-05:00

I arrived in New York safe and sound...and VERY cold I might add. It's amazing how much the temperature drops just traveling from Washington, DC to New York.

So, I thought I was going to be able to get here, get settled in and finish my last post. NOT!

I am absolutely, completely, utterly and unequivocally IN LOVE with my new nephew! The second I laid eyes on him I was taken. Hence, I have not yet finished that post...but I will...eventually.

Since he is sleep, my older nephews are at school, my brother-in-law is at work and my mother & sister are watching The View - I thought I would jump on the computer to say hey to all my peeps (I really do miss you all when I'm gone).

However, since logging on to the computer, I have realized that my sister has a VERY slow connection (or maybe I just have a super fast one and this is normal). Either way, I don't really have the patience for slow computers any more...so I'm thinking I probably won't post again until I get back to the DC area. Can't wait...cause I have soooooo much to talk about (whether or not you will be interested is another story - but I'm gonna tell you anyway).

Aight y'all...I'm gonna go have some breakfast and then smother my nephew some more. Don't you just LOOOOOOOOOOVE the smell of babies? Almost makes me want one.....well, not really...at least not without being in a loving and stable relationship with the man of my dreams...but I'm not banking on that happening any time soon.

Until DC....

I'll Be Searching for that CASH CAB!!!

2006-03-17T14:57:00.000-05:00

Well folks...I'm off to NY (Westchester County)...for about the gazillionth time in the past 6 months. My sister just gave birth to a baby boy (Colin Tyler) on February 21 and my mother and I are going to meet him. I thought I would jump on and post a quick one while I wait for my mom to get here (especially since I was victim of the ugly 403 Forbidden fiasco yesterday that kept me from posting and/or publishing).

Anyway...since I have been back on the East Coast, my mom and I now share the ride back home to the Tri-State. Not too long before I moved back east, she moved from Jersey to Virginia...Norfolk, VA. So when we travel north, she drives the 3.75 hours to get to me and then I drive the 4 hours to NY. I'm hoping that she'll be here any minute now cause I'm starting to get a wee bit tired *yawn*. The good thing is that she got off work early today so she won't be driving in the dark. My mom + driving + darkness + PG County, MD= frantic call accusing me of having her "lost in this wilderness!" No lie y'all...she called Suitland, MD the "wilderness." It still makes me chuckle :o)

So why the title for this blog then? Why not, "I'm Off to Meet My New Nephew?" Because...I have become addicted to yet another reality/game show. Have any of you see the show called "Cash Cab?" Basically there is this one cab, the Cash Cab, that travels the streets of NYC in search of passengers. When you get picked up and get in the cab, it becomes a disco - stobe lights and all. The host (ie. cab driver) then informs the passengers that they are on a game show. Here are the rules of the game. The host will ask you questions ranging from $25-$100....

Sorry guys...Mom did better than I thought...she just rang the doorbell...gotta get on the road. I'm going to try to complete this post tonight.

"And The Card Attached Would Say..."

2006-03-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

"...Thank you for being a friend!"

I have truly been blessed with the gift of friendship. I will admit that often times I take this for granted and forget that friendship is a two way street...forget that I have so many really great friends because at some point I showed myself to be "friendly." And...in order to maintain these friendships, I have to continue to do just that.

About a month ago, I made a list of about fifteen of my friends/associates with whom I have lost touch. My goal was that by the end of the week I would have touched base with each one of them via phone and/or e-mail. I only e-mailed three of them.

Part of me feels like I deserve a pass for falling out of touch considering the emotional trauma I have been experiencing. As understandable and true as this may be, it's not the case for at least seven of my dearest friends...two of which don't even know of my current circumstances. These are the the true blue, ace boon coon, "my man 50 grand" type friends..."ride or die" type friends. Unfortunately, as of late, I have not been treating them as such.

Friends and friendship mean a lot to me and there is no excuse for not checkin' in on folks once in a while if they truly mean something to you. I am ashamed of the type of friend that I have been to certain people in my life and I need to do better. I figure if I put this out into the universe, that someone will be holding me accountable for keeping my word.

Sometimes it's not until you hit a valley in your life that you realize how important it is to have good friends. If you haven't stayed in touch though, you feel like you don't have the right to call them now that you are in the midst of a crisis. Luckily enough, I don't have to worry about this too much because no matter how far I fall off the map, my friends are always there for me. Sure, they give me grief...tell me how triflin' I am...but by the end of the conversation/e-mail they have assumed the position of confidant, counselor, comforter and comic relief. And for that, I am grateful.

However, I never want to assume that this will always be the case. Everyone has there breaking point...I know this because I reached mine with a certain friend many years ago and was forced to end the friendship.

So I am pledging (and if you are in the same boat as me with anyone that you call "friend" feel free to join me) that by the end of this month I will have made contact with everyone on my original list...especially the EXTRA special friends.

Friendship is not a given in life. It truly is a gift, and I want be sure that I remain a worthy recipient.

Dear God, Please Help Me Lose This Weight

2006-03-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

Hello blog world...I feel like I have been away so long. I've posted only three times (prior to this one) and I'm already hooked. I wasn't able to post last night because I was dog tired from this crazy part time job. This job is not only psychologically painful, but it's now become physically painful (more to come on that in just a sec). So my fatigue, coupled with excruciating pain, caused me to skip out on posting. BUT...I must admit that I did try to post...but for some reason I was having trouble with the site taking FOREVER to load. All the other sites I went to worked just fine, but not this one. Funny how God speaks to you...as much as I WANTED to journal my thoughts, I NEEDED to rest (my body does not handle stress well AT ALL...I'm sure I'll tell you all about that some other time).

ANY WHO...back to the topic of this evenings post. My weight...it's out of control. Now I'll be the first to say that - my weight being out of control - is in relative terms because I'm sure I would be called skinny by many a women in the world today. Weeeeeelllll, maybe not skinny - but you get what I'm saying. I'm what most brothas call "thick" - so culturally, I'm straight. My feet, however, think otherwise.

Okay so working this retail job causes me to be on my feet...all day long. I've worked 8 hour shifts the past three days. Now, normally, that wouldn't be a big deal. But keep in mind that my "normal" is having an office, with a desk, which would require me to have a chair...that I could SIT in all day. I'm not used to this kind of labor...and I've recently discovered that my body isn't in shape for it either.

I already have ZERO arch and my feet turn slightly inward. So while the bottom of the majority of the world's feet is what is usually resting on the ground when they walk and/or stand...I'm also walking/standing on the inside of my foot. This is fine for your average, every day walking...but NOT for being on my feet for 8 hours. For the past two nights I have come home and ace bandaged ice packs to the part of my foot where the arch is SUPPOSED to be. This area has become swollen, red and quite sore to the slightest touch. Not cool at all!

I am convinced that my situation would not be as bad if I wasn't carrying around extra weight. I've gotten too heavy for my own feet...who would have ever thought that possible! It's my own fault for not heeding the warning of every pair of my jeans (except for one), as well as the rest of my cute clothes - they told me (at least ) a year ago that I was headed down the ugly road. But I was so caught up with marital drama and being 3000 miles away from my family & friends - that I really didn't care to listen. Sorry guys.

BUT now I do care and I am listening!! Both for health reasons and superficial reasons. The health reasons being the one described above, in addition to heart disease running in my family. The superficial reason is that in exactly 2 1/2 months I will be officially back on the market!!! WOO-HOO!!! This is when I will be able to file for a "limited divorce" in the state of Maryland (which is the same as a legal seperation in most other states...I won't even go into how the state of Maryland makes you jump through hoops to dissolve your marriage). So, I want to look my best when I do finally meet the REAL Mr. Right for Me (I don't believe in a Mr. Right *period*...meaning the punctuation mark). More importantly, I want to feel good about me for me. Although I'm not totally dissatisfied with what stares back at me in the mirror (and I'm not lacking compliments and/or cat calls), I could be much happier.

I've lost weight quite successfully before, so I know that I'm capable of doing it. It may take a bit longer now that I've hit 30, but it will happen. I'm too young to be in this much pain over an 8 hour a day retail job. My body is trying to tell me something and I'm hearing it LOUD and CLEAR!

Y'all pray for me though...cause a sistah is in LOOOOOOOOOOVE with everything carbohydrate. But, I've come to realize that I'm much more in love with living another 70 some odd years...at minimum.

So good night cheese danish, toast & butter, donuts, french fries and cupcakes...I'll see you in my sweet dreams!

PS. Shout out and thanks to Laa Laa, TTD, Kween and Insanelysane for commenting on my blog...it means a lot to me ladies and I sure do appreciate it! Once I learn how to, y'all will the the first that I add to my blog roll :o)

Happy Birthday Daddy (I'll Always Be Lonnie's Little Girl)

2006-03-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Today is my Daddy's birthday...he would have been 68 years old.

It's been 8 years since my senior year in college when two of my dearest friends came knocking on my dorm room door to tell me that my phone was off the hook and that my mother was trying to get in touch with me. I knew it was off the hook...I wanted it that way.

At the time, I thought I had decided to turn my ringer off because I had a long day of classes and work. I was unusually tired that day and, although my phone didn't ring off the hook to the point of annoyance, I wanted to be sure that I wasn't going to be disturbed. I have since come to realize (and remember) that I felt bad news coming...news that I didn't want to hear or accept...news that my father - my Daddy - had died.

Although one is never really "prepared" for the death of a loved one, my dad's death was imminent. He was fighting an ugly battle with AIDS. My dad was a drug addict. More importantly, however, my dad was one of the most loving men that I have known. And...I loved him back.

Don't get me wrong, his personal demons haunted him something fierce and wreaked havoc on my family...especially my mother (more to come on her...she is the awesomest!!!). There was the typical hurt, stress, anger, frustration, abuse and abandonment that comes with the drug addict territory. For fear of sounding like a Lifetime movie, I will spare you all of the details.

Unfortunately, due to my dad's disease (addiction IS a disease), I didn't get to spend anywhere near the amount to time with him that I would have liked to. He left our home when I was in the fourth grade with VERY sporadic contact with me up until my sophomore year in high school. That's when his second (out of five) brother's died. This is also when I first learned of his illness.

It was at this point that we became reaquainted and rekindled our father/daughter relationship. This was truly a blessing as he was able to see me off to the prom, celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and my family, as well as attend my high school graduation. He was also able to live long enough to see the first (and only one) of his five children enter college. I was praying that he would live to see me graduate, but God had a different plan for his life. As hard as it was, I made peace with that and am thankful for the time that I did have with him.

As strange has it may sound, struggling through this illness with my dad was one of the most beautiful times of my life. I loved, I learned, I nurtured, I nursed, I accepted, I listened, I talked, I confessed...but more than anything else...I forgave. I forgave my father for not being strong enough to resist drugs. I forgave him for the pain that he caused my family. I forgave him for leaving. I forgave him for not being the father that I needed and wanted him to be. Not that I was ever "mad" at him - having the mother that I have been blessed with made that impossible for me - but I was EXTREMELY hurt and disappointed.

Although he wasn't physically able to say it, my forgiveness meant a great deal to my dad. But it wasn't until he forgave himself that he was truly at peace. He died not too long after.

When I look back on all that I went through with my dad, as well as what I did not, I am still able to say that there is no other man on this Earth that I would rather have has a father. Drugs had taken over the majority of his body...but they NEVER touched his heart.

Yes, my father had a drug addiction, but that was not the whole of him. The drugs were bad...really bad...but my father? He was a good man. He was a loving man. I felt his love...throughout my entire life, I felt his love. He loved me to the best of his ability given his situation...and that is all I could ask for.

I celebrate my Dad's life today. I miss him every minute of every day.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Love,
Your Little Girl

Fridays Just Aren't The Same Anymore...

2006-03-10T20:53:00.000-05:00

It just dawned on me this evening that I cannot remember the last time I genuinely shouted T.G.I.F. from the rooftops. If I thought long and hard about it, the last time that I was really and truly ecstatic about it being Friday was when I was working in Manhattan. And that, my friends, was many, many, many moons ago.

When I moved to LA, I knew no one except for my soon-to-be-ex-husband (too bad that doesn't make a nifty little acronym). He was/is a homebody and I had no friends...so Fridays and the impending weekend, didn't mean jack to me.

Once I eventually made friends that I wanted to hang out with on the weekends, I was transitioning into a job where I worked from home and made my own hours...so I could make any day Friday. While everyone with desk jobs, 9 to 5ers or those who actually had a building to report to every week day were counting down the minutes to 5:00 on Friday, I had been there and done that on Tuesday. This carried over to my move back East.

Now that I'm not working a real full time job, EVERY day is Friday...and as nice as that may sound to all of you out there in the working world...trust me,it SUCKS!!! Maybe it wouldn't...wait, I take that back, I KNOW it wouldn't suck if I was independently wealthy, came from money or if I married rich...but I'm not/I didn't. Hence, the suck factor.

What sucks even more now is that I started working a parttime retail job. I've never worked retail before - which might come as a surprise to most of you since you probably did this...oh...I don't know...maybe in...........high school??? And I now understand why (but that's a subject for a whole other blog). My point is that due to this parttime "sentence," Friday is now DREADFUL. Friday means that tomorrow I have to stand on my feet for 8 hours straight re-hanging up underwear that I'm unsure were tried on OVER the underwear that was worn into the store (or at least I hope was worn into the store). Oh the stories I could tell you..."N" to the "A-S-T-Y"!!!!

But a sistah has to do what a sistah has to do. So I suck it up and thank God for the little piece of job that I have which allows me to keep enough gas in the car to get me there, to pay a bill or two - but unfortunately not NEARLY enough to keep the soon-to-be-ex-husband (I must come up with an acronym) off my back.

I digress...

Note to self: The very first Friday that finds you counting down the minutes 'til 5:00, you must go out and party like it's 1999 (I don't care how old this phrase is and it makes no difference that this year has already come and gone...it is still an excellent indicator of just how hard one will dance and how much alcohol one will consume).

So to all of you authentic and well deserving T.G.I.Fers...take one back for me tonight...wish I could be there!

I Really Need This...

2006-03-09T22:01:00.000-05:00

First things first...I'm a virgin to the blog world (clearly, since this is my first entry). I'm still not exactly sure that I know how this all works, but I've been told that this is a place where I can put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and vent...or shall I say "share" (evidenced by blog title, I'm on my journey back to a happier place...I think "share" sounds a bit more positive than "vent" - don't you?)

Speaking of you...who is "you" really? I mean...is there anyone actually reading this? I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter if it's helping me become a better me, right? But if "you" do chose to stop by...I hope that I can make you laugh. Or cry. Or think. Or question.

Or feel...something.

Silly me, I'm sorry! Please allow me to introduce myself: I am an African American female living about 15 minutes outside of Washington, DC. As a child, my mother believed me to be an angel living on earth. I excelled academically, volunteered in my community on a very regular basis, was involved in a number of extracurricular activities, was pretty popular, was President of my senior class in high school, graduated from a prestigious university with honors and landed my first job with a very reputable media company in New York City one month after graduation.

Fast forward 8 years: I am now 30 years old (which I truly view as a blessing rather than a curse). Within the past eight years, I moved from DC (where I went to school) back to Jersey (home), from Jersey to Los Angeles (big mistake...or "life lesson"...must think positive) and from Los Angeles back to the DC area (where I've always belonged). During this time I married a man who I thought was my friend. After 2 1/2 years of marriage, I'm now divorcing a man that I thought was my friend. Do friends really make the best lovers? Not in this case...but I still remain hopeful.

In retrospect, I wonder if he and I ever really were friends. Friends don't do the kinds of things he did to me. Friends don't say the kinds of things he said to me. And, furthermore, I wouldn't dare reciprocate any of those things back to anyone that was truly my friend. And I did...so I wonder....

Now, here I am...as raw as they come. I'm out of work (well, not really), I have bills that continue to come in, I've moved out of my apartment (kind of) and am living with friends, my soon-to-be-ex-husband is the "owner" of my car (so I'm not sure how long I'll have that), I haven't been on an interview in over a month, I barely have a pot to p*ss in and we already know I don't have a window to throw it out of, I'm depressed, I'm broken, I'm angry, I feel cheated, I'm disappointed, I've been changed to a person unrecognizable by my closest of friends. Yet, considering all of that, I feel that there is a perfect plan for my life and that I am not experiencing any of this in vain.

But how did a person who seemed to have it all...all the opportunities, all of the drive, all of the luck, all of the brains...how did she get here?

Well folks, that's what we are going to figure out...together (once you stumble across my blog).

Don't get me wrong, I do not intend for this blog to be tear stained pages (or screens) of angry epithets about how much I hate "him"...nor do I intend to whine, bitch and moan about how miserable my life is. Operative word being "intend." I suppose that at times, that's just what this will be. But in the interim, I hope to entertain, enlighten and engage you...trusting that some day "you" will stop by to visit with me. But should you not, I will at least have a record of my metamorphosis.

The truth of the matter is that I want to be happy again. I want to feel alive again. I want the real me back...the me I was before all of "this" happened. But I realize that this isn't going to happen over night...that it is going to be a process filled with peaks and valleys.

Today, I just wanted to introduce myself and to welcome you. So, hello and welcome...welcome to my Journey Back to Joy...I hope you enjoy the ride!

Blessings!